One of my most vivid memories of shared living was hearing my housemate banging a guy she’d picked up in a club at 3am.
The noises coming from our (shared) bathroom were so loud I cringed under the covers in my room.
I did admire her in a lot of ways- she was just in the moment, having an excellent time, and pissed as a fart so wasn’t aware of the level of decibels echoing around the flat.
What I did think however was she sounded like a cheap porno. Maybe it got him off? (Infact it definintely got him off. I heard every squelchy second of it).
But more importantly, was that the sound all women feel they have to make to be sexy in bed?
I, on the other hand, am awful at making noise. I worry about other people hearing, and feel it’s rude to subject them to a soundtrack of my nocturnal activities. But that has resulted in me becoming a sexual mute- too shy and awkward to make any noise, or do any dirty talk.
I also always thought talking dirty was a special skill only pornstars and my flatmate could do. Not me- awkward, awkward me. I’m like this:
However, when I realised talking dirty just means instructing someone to do to you what you like, a lightbulb went off in my head.
It’s just your basic assertiveness, but in bed.
Talking dirty is important because:
- it keeps you present because you’re concentrating on what you want and what you want them to do (and stops that pesky anxiety creeping in)
- it can make you feel even more turned on because you listen to yourself make noises/take control
- you instruct them to do what actually feels good, so sex becomes much better. And if sex is better, you’re more likely to want it (aka, improved sex drive!)
*On that note- any sex that hurts, is uncomfortable, or generally just doesn’t feel good isn’t the way sex is supposed to be done! Being sexually assertive means better sex because you tell them what you want, when and how you want it. Winning!*
So, how to talk dirty?
#1: Firstly, start with knowing what you want in bed.
Partly that’s about tuning in during sex- does that rub, hurt, feel uncomfortable? Pay attention. Life’s too short for bad sex, so this is exactly the behaviour you need to correct.
It’s also about expressing your needs, wants and desires before he touches you. How do you want your partner to approach, to speak to you, to turn you on from afar?
#2: Own the words you want to use.
If you’re only saying the words “dick”, “pussy”, “cunt” or whatever very infrequently, it’s no wonder it feels funny saying them during an incredible intimate time when you’re likely naked and possibly have nipple clamps on and whipped cream everywhere.
Practise saying them out loud. Tell yourself in the mirror. Shout it in the shower. Repeatedly mumble them while you’re chopping up vegetables for dinner. (Maaaybbbe just consider who’s in earshot before carrying out this tip). My boyfriend would feel super weird if he heard me yelling pussy from the locked bathroom, so I do it when he’s out. And I feel weirdly empowered!
#3: Tell them what you need:
Words of encouragement: “ooooooh”, “yeah”, “that feels great”, *insert breathy moan in here for extra points*
Words of instruction: “”don’t stop”, “touch me here”, “lick me there”, “keep going”, “just a bit slower”
Fill in the gaps as a starter for 10….
“I love it when you………”
“Can you… me there harder?”
“I want you to ……. me ……..”
“When I’m with you I feel ……”
“Do that again, but this time I want you to do it…..”
#5: Know that the Madonna/Whore thing is a load of bullshit!
This is basically that we women worry we’re either a virgin or a slag.
Basically guys, we’re dammed if we do and we’re damned if we don’t. IMO it’s actually better to have great sex and screw the haters!
Who loses out if we worry about being too vocal/assertive in bed? We do!
Any man who minds about a woman asking for what she wants in bed is a twat and you don’t need them in your life. I’m sure guys would prefer an enthusiastic partner, and they’re only going to get that if you’re genuinely enjoying yourself.
#6: Don’t put pressure on yourself
It’s unlikely you’ll change into a fluent dirty linguist overnight, because we’re probably not used to asking for what we want. But, it’s about little and often.
You’ll find the first time you ask for what you want, the reward will be huge. Not only will it increase your self-esteem and you can pat yourself on the back because you’re taking control of your sexual tastes. And honestly, the sex will get better and better because it’s what you want. Everyone’s a winner!
So, what do you think- could you be more sexually assertive in bed?