So today I’ll be mainly squatting over toilets across London wincing at the fact that my pee tubes feel like the HMS Victory is attempting to sail through them, yet I’m still not seeing a stream.
That’s right- I have cystitis. The post-sex curse that makes you reconsider ever having sex again when you’ve had a bad bout.
I never used to get it and always wondered about this weird thing that happened to my friends when they’d give each other a knowing nod before downing a glass of cloudy water. How bad could it be, not being able to pee?
But, let me tell you- it’s bad.
If you haven’t had it before, it basically feels like the Victoria Falls are hurtling down from your bladder and you can feel the weight and are ready to spring a leak of thousands of gallon of liquid…. but it never comes out. It burns, it stings, you piss a tiny drop and it feels like you’re Jesus performing a small miracle, you whoop for joy at the mercy you’ve been shown, pull your pants up and with a renewed sense of hope take three steps away from the cubicle before an overwhelming, life threatening urge to pee comes over you and then you’re doing a sort-of sideways hobble-dash across the room and back to toilet hovering.
If you have it, I’m coming round armed with bicarbonate of soda and some cranberry juice stat girlfriend.
All I can say is, it gives the phrase “winter is coming” a new meaning. The thought of having sex when you have cystitis is frankly horrifying. I barricade myself away from my boyfriend by moaning about women’s problems and hissing if him and his evil penis come within three feet of me. Really once I mention the terms “infection” and “pissing blood” he backs away very quickly.
Cystitis really is a libido killer because:
- it’s often caused by sex and smushing about downstairs between holes- so once you’ve had it, it leaves a lasting mental scar and sex seems a less attractive option
- if you’ve got it, it leaves you feeling like you’d rather be hung drawn and quartered than have a penis anywhere near your vagina ever again
There are 5 commonly acknowledged stages to cystitis:
- The pee panic- you can feel the pee burning down your urethra franklin and go into PANIC mode
- Downing sachets like a mo’fo and drinking cranberry juice in streams in an attempt to cut it off at the pass
- Praying that it’ll go away/rocking back and forwards on the toilet crying as the litre bottle of Evian turns into one droplet that felt like giving birth
- Peeing again and the relief is like sweet sweet music to your ears
- Screaming at your partner never to double dip again the next time you have sex
The cure? those sachets- stock up in bulk!
To prevent? Pee after sex. Every time.