I spend a good chunk of time reflecting on myself and the past couple of years of my life. I have grown as a woman, as a sexual being and as a person in general.
I am fascinated by other women’s stories and journeys. I have recently come across a sex blogger whose frustrations were not in her not having enough sex. She was frustrated with her own body. Her mind wanted her to want to have sex, but her body just wasn’t having any part of it. This fascinated me to no extent. I, as you may know, was in a dead bedroom marriage for years. I wanted to have sex. I had and still have a very high sex drive. But after reading her posts and her point of view and her struggles I began to really think about my sex life and where it has been and where it is now.
When I was in the Dead Bedroom Marriage (DBM) I eventually was able to ‘turn-off’ my sex drive. If that is even possible. Yes I still got horny and yes I still masturbated almost daily. But the desire to be with someone was absent. I ‘got off’ simply to fulfill my physical need and I went about my day. Very little thought went into it. I didn’t see my husband and feel the urge to jump him. I did not have any sexual thoughts about him at all the last part of our marriage. I was not attracted to him. But here is where my newest revelation begins. There was a reason for that disappearance of the ‘want to have sex’: no desire. He did not desire me. Or if he did, he never showed it. I needed to feel desired. That is what ignites my emotional sex drive. I believe my libido has two sides; an emotional side and a physical side. The physical side is always present. It is how my body is built. My body likes sex. It craves it. But I can go months without sex if there isn’t an emotional spark. I can be physically satisfied with toys and my hands for a quick masturbation session before I get out of bed. But it is the emotional side of my libido that makes me want sex with another person. If this person is filling up my emotional cup, I will want sex with them daily. Multiple times daily. If I feel desired and sexy and needed, oh fuck, I will be spread eagle on the bed waiting anxiously. I will be all over them every second of every day.
I was once called needy and clingy. This has always been referred to as this bad thing that would push your lover away. It hit me hard that my own husband called me needy and difficult. I was only a few years into the marriage and never dreamed of divorce. So I took that as constructive criticism and tried to fix my neediness. All it did was begin the process of me separating from him emotionally. I put space between us when all I wanted was to be touched and loved on. The space grew and grew until there was so much distance between us that we never recovered.
Now fast forward to this year. MrD loves my ‘neediness’ and told me to never call myself needy or clingy. He loves that I have to be touching him all the time. He loves that I want him holding me tight at night. He ignites both sides of my libido simply by desiring me. I can’t get enough of him and he loves that. He makes me feel beautiful and desired and he takes pride in being what I need. He knows me so well and is so in tuned with my emotions and my body. He jokingly says that I am difficult, but that he loves being the one who figured me out and wouldn’t have it any other way. It is such a contrast to what I lived before him.
My emotional libido and my physical libido are finally in line and being stimulated and satisfied at the same time. I am not a doctor and I have no idea if this is a thing in the medical and psychological world. But I do know that this is the only way I can explain my libido. I know that this makes sense to me. And I never thought of it like this until I read The Pearl Diaries blog. I am so grateful that she had the courage to put her story out there. The struggle is real whether you have no libido but want one, or you have a high libido but nobody to appreciate it, or if you are somewhere in the middle. Women have so many things pushing up against us and we have to listen to each other in order to gain perspective and to appreciate one another.
Make sure you check out Sexponential. She talks about libido, stress, life and of course sex! Thank you, you have touched at least one woman’s life with your candid account of your journey.