- Do you live life on autopilot- rushing around, always crazy busy, and rarely stopping to breathe?
- Is sex the last thing you need to tick off on an already long to-do list at the end of each day?
- Do you end up exhausted, flopping into bed and trying to get yourself psyched up for one last task just before you go to sleep?
- Do you feel exhausted, irritable, empty?
- Do you dream of your bed to sleep in rather than associate it with sex?
- Do you dread going to bed, get into bed before/after your partner, because you are trying to avoid being intimate because of the time/effort it takes?
- Do you feel annoyed if/when your partner tries to initiate?
- Would you rather watch your favourite TV show than have sex?
- Do your levels of desire increase again when you go on holiday?
If so, you’ve likely become “too busy/stress/tired for sex”.
Making love has become an additional chore, like cleaning the bathroom or taking the bins out. And you’ve forgotten about how great sex can be.
One huge warning sign that I’ve noticed when I feel too busy for sex is annoyance at my partner for initiating sex.
Because I felt like he was bothering me. I had other things to do, and they were more important than having sex with him.
I couldn’t focus on sex because it felt like EVERYTHING needing doing: the washing, the bills, phoning my Mum…
It even got to the point that I was “too busy” watching my favourite TV show to have sex with him!
But suddenly, I realised that I needed doing too!
Listening to yourself and your reactions can guide you to what your body, mind and soul needs.
That anger or annoyance at requests for sex is an alarm bell that something isn’t right.
Initially I interpreted it as problems in my relationship, or genuine frustration at my partner. But when I truly listened to myself, I realised that the anger was signalling to me that I was too busy in other areas of my life. And that annoyance at his initiation was a warning sign I needed to hear, signalling that sex had fallen so far down my to-do list it was non-existent.
If I wanted to enjoy sex and feel close to my partner, something else had to give. And I was massively missing out on great sex.
If we give priority to almost everything else in our lives, when do we make time to make love?
I found it helps to reframe sex- rather than “just something else to do”, think of all of the other benefits it brings to you and your relationship. Sex is an amazing stress reliever. It can bring you closer to your intimate partner, help you be present, let loose, and is a great form of exercise.
And remember, it used to be fun?
I also completely turned around my thoughts after reading this blog by Bez Stone. In it, she writes that we should receive touch and not swat their hand away…. yet do nothing more.
This thinking led into this post on initiation and control.… so recognising warning signs truely works!
How about you- do you feel irritated/annoyed if your partner initiates sex?