Submitted by a sex blogger who wishes to remain anonymous:
I wouldn’t describe myself as having a low sex drive, I love sex once I’m in the moment, but I’d describe myself as someone who takes a while to get going. I cannot turn lust on with a switch, the idea of having a quickie panics rather than excites me (in case I don’t get into the mood and it feels forced). Yet, the mental image I have of myself is a sexy little minx, I think I’m quite adventurous and more open minded than lots of women. So, looking at the ‘burn’ model I am a classic Slow Burn.
Young & Dating :
In my youth I probably had sex on my mind frequently, in particular while dating because I’d have a yearning for a guy, wanting to get close to him, then once we began having sex my mind would either be plotting our next encounter or remembering what we’d done in our last ‘tumble’. At this stage the embers of my desire would not entirely die down, and I’d be up for sex more often; even a quickie!
Long Term Relationship:
I found domestic routines had a way of dampening down the flames of arousal. Am I right girls? Doing housework, bonding with the in-laws, shopping and mopping, all activities which can kill the mood of ‘sex kitten’! So I was back to slow burn setting.
Lovely as they are, it was an incredibly ‘muted’ time for my sex drive. Obviously my ‘lady garden’ felt a bit beaten up, hormones took a while to settle and breast feeding (while making my boobs look great) had an impact on my mental image – I felt more ‘earth mother’ than ‘sex goddess’. Looking after small children also made me sooo tired and my partner and I had limited opportunities. I worried then that I was neglecting my OH, that my prioritising of babies would make him feel left out, I used to lecture myself “have sex with him more, try to get into it otherwise he might look elsewhere,” but it was hard to make myself do it, I was ‘fighting’ my low libido.
Similar problems to those during the baby years. I had little time and privacy to get intimate with my OH, but my hormones were no longer contradicting my ability to feel like a sexy being. This time part of the trouble was being identified as “Janet’s mother” all the time – I’d even introduce myself that way! I am naturally a bit of a flirt (all intended harmlessly as I adore my OH) but I couldn’t flirt or banter with others on the school run or hanging out in the playground. Quite often mums don’t dress up, we slip into unisex, comfortable clothes and can lose our pre-children identity. It was hard to fire up my desire once the children were in bed, to become the sex kitten I used to be. I don’t think I was happy with my post baby body with its thicker waist and stretch marks on my boobs. At this stage my libido was gradually returning to slow burn.
OK now I was feeling more like my old self. I’d gone back to work, so there was a reason to dress up, to present myself in a pleasing way to both male and female colleagues. There was opportunity for flirting and banter, my conversation and interests and challenges expanded and I felt more of a ‘whole’ being. OH and I went out a little more, so I began to feel interesting and attractive again, consequently my libido bounced up and we had more sex. I’d say my slow burn increased in intensity, or perhaps the frequency of our sexy episodes meant it didn’t die down to cold completely in-between. The difficulty came the older our children got, because they’d stay up so late that we felt like our bed-time was when we were most likely to be overheard! Also, by this stage, they knew about sex, so it was a very self-conscious time for us and I don’t think we got much action at all – at this stage I used to think of my children as my greatest contraception! Libido setting : almost no flame or burn at all!
This caused a similar effect on my libido to when I’d recently had a baby: I didn’t feel like myself, therefore I couldn’t make that extra leap and feel sexy. My body was altered (scar), I felt frightened and fragile, everything seemed tinged with sadness and danger for several months, but very gradually I began to feel like ‘me’ again. My OH was patient and understanding, and made me feel treasured and special, from this I began to feel sexy again. As my recovery progressed I became determined that I’d live the fullest life I possibly could, so I wanted everything back on the agenda again, maybe even some things I’d never dared try before!
My journey into sex blogging began with me writing erotic short stories; for every one I write, I read between 6&10, and these ‘get my juices going’ … literally! Reading erotica gets me imagining sex, if it’s well written and in a sex genre which turns me on, I’m likely to feel aroused. Writing my own erotica definitely takes me through stages of arousal and desire, if it doesn’t, I haven’t written a very good story! My older teenagers are now out more often, sometimes overnight, so OH and I have lots of opportunities to act on my increased desire; he is perfectly happy for my reading to be a substitute for foreplay. At this point I would say I’ve morphed into a Firestarter.
My blog’s developed now to cover different categories and I now test and review sex toys, so I need to take the time and opportunity to use them in various different combinations, alone and with my OH (depending on the adult item). This process raises my sex drive because I hardly allow the embers of my arousal to cool. So I continue to be a Firestarter and enjoy a more active sex life and I’ve found that I can enjoy more than one climax in a sex episode – this was news to me! I always thought I could have one (most times) and then I’d be too sensitive to continue, this is a joyous discovery!
This is on the horizon, so I’m determined to enjoy my current, increased, sexual activity and desire as often as possible in case the onset of the menopause changes things negatively. I don’t like the idea of vaginal dryness; I know there are various lubes out there I could use, but I’ve always been proud of my own moist responsiveness and I fear the loss of it. Whatever changes come, I shan’t shut the door on my sex life, I’ll ‘Google’ ways to cope with the changes and compensate for any responses the menopause makes me lose. I feel intrinsically a sexy person and I want to continue as such as long as possible.