After reading it, it hit me that my libido also works in two ways beyond what she has described. And I couldn’t help but wonder
where does desire come from?
For me, there are two types of desire.
The first type is passive
We all have things in our external world that turn us on… people, smells, touch, sound, light bulbs (?)…. there’s an eclectic mix because we’re all different.
And it’s fairly easy to get turned on by these things- they happen to us, and we respond.
The most common example of this is being touched by a partner- they touch, your skin tingles and your body responds.
The second, and often forgotten one, is active.
This is arguably the most important one. And if, like me, your sex drive is MIA, this might be what’s missing in your life.
This is the part where we turn ourselves on.
I discovered this when I pulled out an old silkie nightie from the back of my cupboard. I had a few hours to kill until the boyf came home, so I decided to put it on.
It felt lovely on my skin, and just the visual of me in the silk made me want to paint my nails… a thing I don’t do often. The red that I then painted made me feel sexy (for the first time in literally forever), and I put some music on to reflect how I was feeling and pranced around a bit sultry to candle light.
By the time the boyf got home I was feeling so relaxed and eager for sex, it was incredible.
Many of us are socialised to “lie back and think of England” rather than take control of our sexuality, and this, along with worries about body image and shame, means we often forget, neglect. or were never taught, to turn ourselves on from within.
It’s only by seeing yourself as desirable and capable of being sexual that you’ll actually want sex.
So the secret to good sex is not only tapping into the external things that turn you on, but also keeping that thing burning inside of you that feels confident, attractive and sexy.
This takes practise and upkeep, the same way you’d do your hair in the morning or spend time putting a face mask on.
It’s an identity you create, just as you do as a mother or a colleague or a friend. And for many of us perhaps its the identity that takes least precedent.
Cultivating this sexual being is a priority if you want to want sex.