Back in July of this year I brought along an old friend to my 30th birthday weekend celebrations. To everyone else, she was a stranger but to me I knew her intimately.
She shadowed me closer than ever that weekend, and when I came home in floods of tears and exhausted, I knew I needed to make some changes in my life.
In particular, my chronic anxiety completely kills my sex drive. I struggle to get turned on and worry about a variety of inane things as soon as my brain tells me it’s time for sex. It’s a complete nightmare.
But, the tips below really saved me.
Some of them may seem obvious, some silly, but the combination of all of them has meant I’m having better sex now than I’ve ever had in my whole life. And I can feel what sexual empowerment really means. I hope they can help you too.
#1: I gave up coffee
I LOVE coffee- its my one true love! But I realised it makes me SUPER anxious. I’m now two months free and it’s made a world of difference to my mental health, and helped my sex drive increase because now I’m much more able to focus my mind on pleasure instead of worry. See my post on how that went here.
#2: I took up journalling
So this tip surprised me. I began writing a diary, beginning each day with three things I was grateful for, and then writing reams about how I was feeling. It has helped me no end because it’s a space I use to pour out my heart, worries, ideas and fears. I can then shut the book, turn a page, and crack on with living.
#3: I learnt how to leave my distractions at the door….
I kept a pen and paper next to my bed, and whenever I went to get jiggy and then couldn’t stop my mind from wandering, I’d write it down. Yes, it’s not the sexiest thing to keep stopping and writing. I felt weird doing it with the boyf when we were just about to have sex, although he was really understanding and just waited for me to do what I needed to do. BUT if you bear with the rude interruptions, it’ll transfer your worries to that sheet of paper so your brain has space to commit to what it really wants to be doing- fabulous bonking! After a while, you won’t need the paper anymore.
#4: I started a mindfulness/yoga practise
It’s key because sex is about HERE and NOW. When your mind just isn’t here, it reduces the experience of pleasure. Without pleasure, sex is pointless and why would we be arsed to do it?
Mindfulness and yoga help us stay in the moment. How can we enjoy sex (and therefore want it) when you’re running through tomorrows shopping list or the next week board meeting agenda? Stay here. Be aware. Enjoy.
#5: The anxiety mega mega tip- move your body!
Along with making noises and writing down my worries above, this tip was one of my all time best discoveries.
When we went to have sex, I was paralysed with worry. My body was frozen still and my mind was elsewhere. It was a constant battle to bring my mind back to the task at hand. I was fighting a war inside my mind the boy couldn’t see or help with.
So, I realised I need to move my body. I don’t mean exercise, I mean during foreplay and sex.
MOVE that body.
Climb on top. Writhe around. Stick out your boobs and arch your back. Do anything but lie there in missionary with your head in space.
Get back into that body lady, for that is where the pleasure is at. Get yourself out of your own head!
#6: I got into astronomy
What do planets and the moon have to do with your sex drive, right? I know this sounds weird, but something about looking at space makes me feel so comfortably inconsequential that my worries just melt away 🙂
How about you- does anxiety impact your libido too?