“In sex, you need to let yourself go… to the point of foolishness”- Sexology (film)
Sex is about allowing yourself to be vulnerable.
Surrendering, and releasing control.
Being pleasured and finding pleasure.
It’s about having tousled hair, wild eyes and an open heart.
And yet, losing ourselves within sex can be one of the hardest things to achieve.
Brene Brown says “we need to trust to be vulnerable, and we need to be vulnerable to trust”.
But that’s TOUGH to do, because:
We worry during sex.
How much our bum is jiggling. Whether the bedside table needs a dust. Whether the neighbours can hear. Anxious thoughts (or trying to multi-task!) can mean we’re not able to focus and tune in to the sensations of sex as we’re stuck in our own heads.
We fear being judged.
There’s a sense of shyness and embarrassment of what the other person will think of us. We’re ashamed of asking for what we want and need in the bedroom. This often comes from the idea that we should act “a certain way” in the bedroom, that we’re not a “true feminist” if we do certain acts. Women are so often judged for being a slut, a hussy, a whore, frigid, beige, a starfish… it’s hard to see the bedroom as a judgement free space when all around us our behaviour is commented upon. This means being vulnerable in this space is something that isn’t a given but needs to be worked towards.
We haven’t given ourselves permission to seek pleasure.
As women we’re socialised not to own our own pleasure. Our society attaches taboo and stigma to women who do let go and become sexually liberated, and historically sex has always been about a man’s pleasure and women just have to “lie back and think of England”. Bez Stone talks about the payoff of owning your own sexuality and being able to express yourself sexually as one of the most powerful things women can do.
Maybe sex doesn’t feel THAT great.
Without taking responsibility for our own pleasure (and asking for what we want) sex might just be so-so… it’s unlikely we’ll be swept up in the moment when you’re getting friction burns because he’s going too fast! Sex on TV and in porn isn’t real life, so don’t get too het up with re-enacting your fave film sex scene because the farting, seal noises and flesh slapping have been heavily edited out!
We don’t view sex as ridiculous.
We can get so caught up, because we live in such a “sex sells” society, in looking good and acting sexy that we forget sex is meant to be hilarious! We make funny noises, pull funny faces, slip off chairs because someone spilled the lube and fanny fart during the horniest of encounters. We’re often conditioned to think of sex as this serious, goal orientated thing when in fact it’s just two people coming together for pleasure.
We are afraid of being vulnerable with our partners.
Fear of intimacy and rejection from those we know best can keep us closed and unable to open up and get wild. True sexual authenticity is about seeing and being seen- and fear of rejection from the person who knows us best can leave us paralysed and closed up.
We can’t lose control
Claudi Melli talks about how often we struggle to lose control because we’re taught that being in control is the only way to be. She says control is the complete opposite of how we want to experience sex- as orgasm needs arousal but also relaxation. We cannot relax into sex if we’re in control. This control many times comes from past experiences- if we don’t feel safe, we don’t know how to let go- but it’s also attitude where we develop. For lots of women this centres around how they look- in a world where appearance matters, losing control means being silly, looking messy, it’s often chaotic and we abandon all sense of reality. Relinquishing control over how we look can be the ultimate barrier for many women to overcome.
Want to know how to let yourself go during sex? These 13 tips are really helpful in encouraging you how to relax.
For further reading, this article is really great at explaining how women can feel ashamed to fully let go, because we’re shy, unable to relax or unable to ask for what we want or express our fantasies.
How about you, what do you do to fully let go during sex?