“In sex, you need to let yourself go… to the point of foolishness”- Sexology (film)
Sex is about allowing yourself to be vulnerable.
Surrendering and releasing control.
Being pleasured and finding pleasure.
That ability to be present, to let go and relinquish control, to give over to pleasure and let the waves of sex sweep over you, is what you see movie stars do. Porn stars. The ideal sexual encounter.
The sensual woman isn’t afraid of allowing herself to be swept completely into the space that sex provides her.
She is free.
But, how many of us allow ourselves to REALLY just let go?
Why don’t we just relax and enjoy it?
This “letting go” is a hard task. We need to trust our partners, feel safe, supported, attractive, and not worry they’ll judge or hurt us.
Often, its because:
We worry during sex.
How much our bum is jiggling. Whether the bedside table needs a dust. Whether the neighbours can hear. Anxious thoughts (or trying to multi-task!) can mean we’re not able to focus and tune in to the sensations of sex as we’re stuck in our own heads.
We fear being judged.
There’s a sense of shyness and embarrassment of what the other person will think of us. We’re ashamed of saying what we want and need in the bedroom. This often comes from the idea that we should act “a certain way” in the bedroom, that we’re not a “true feminist” if we do certain acts. Women are so often judged for being a slut, a hussy, a whore, frigid, beige, a starfish… it’s hard to see the bedroom as a judgement free space when all around us our behaviour is commented upon. This means being vulnerable in this space is something that isn’t a given but needs to be worked towards.
We haven’t given ourselves permission to seek pleasure.
As women we’re socialised not to own our own pleasure. Our society attaches taboo and stigma to women who do let go and become sexually liberated, and historically sex has always been about a man’s pleasure and women just have to “lie back and think of England”. Bez Stone talks about the payoff of owning your own sexuality and being able to express yourself sexually as one of the most powerful things women can do.
Maybe it doesn’t feel THAT great.
Without taking responsibility for our own pleasure (and asking for what we want) sex might just be so-so… it’s unlikely we’ll be swept up in the moment when you’re getting friction burns because he’s going too fast! Sex on TV and in porn isn’t real life, so don’t get too het up with re-enacting your fave film sex scene because the farting, seal noises and flesh slapping have been heavily edited out!
We don’t view sex as ridiculous.
We can get so caught up, because we live in such a “sex sells” society, in looking good and acting sexy that we forget sex is meant to be hilarious! We make funny noises, pull funny faces, slip off chairs because someone spilled the lube and fanny fart during the horniest of encounters. We’re often conditioned to think of sex as this serious, goal orientated thing when in fact it’s just two people coming together for pleasure.
We are afraid of being vulnerable with our partners.
Fear of intimacy and rejection from those we know best can keep us closed and unable to open up and get wild.
It’s really tough to open yourself up and be vulnerable. These 10 tips are really helpful in encouraging you how to relax.
For further reading, this article is really great at explaining how women can feel ashamed to fully let go, because we’re shy, unable to relax or unable to ask for what we want or express our fantasies.
How about you, what do you do to fully let go during sex? Or do you struggle to relax and surrender into it too?