Warning: this does rely on having a partner who will pleasure you in return!
I know you might not feel like having sex (that’s why you’re here, right?), so I’m sure watching paint dry seems more appealing than giving a blowie… but hear me out first.
Our sex drives differ hugely from person to person. The dominant idea of sexual desire is that for most people, sex just randomly, impulsively pops into their head and off they go to bonk.
However, it’s also completely normal to have a more “responsive” approach to desire. This means that it’s only after being touched or stimulated (physically aroused) do you feel like having sex.
This is obviously problematic because it creates a catch 22 effect where without any desire to begin with, how do you even get to the touching bit to feel aroused to then reach the desire bit of sex?
At the moment I have a more responsive approach to sex (or as I like to call it, the slow burn), and often feel frustrated with myself for not feeling that everyday desire for my partner. I worry that I’m not turned on, making it then harder to get turned on. A vicious cycle!
However, I’ve discovered a shortcut that really helps me to reach that level of desire without anxiety.
By turning my partner on first.
Let me explain why….
Here’s four reasons why you should focus on your partners pleasure first:
#1: It stops you from focussing on yourself and worrying- by concentrating on the task at hand you can throw yourself into the moment and start to relax and have fun. The pressure isn’t on you to get turned on within a specific time period, so you can take it at your own pace.
#2: You initiate and feel more in control- there is nothing more disempowering than the continual cycle of being chased and then “giving in” when your partner wants sex. By taking the lead, you feel sexier by simply taking back control and being the one in charge.
#3: You can get slowly turned on whilst you lick/suck them- so when I said pleasure your partner first, I didn’t say anything about not touching yourself whilst said pleasuring is in progress! Focus on your partners moans while you let your own fingers do the work on yourself. Use lube to worry less about whether you’re wet or not, and let the focus be on your partner. By the time you’ve got them super horny, you’ll be some way towards feeling more turned on (see Emily’s Nagoski’s chart below) as well as more relaxed, hopefully wet, and potentially desiring your partner by now.
#4: He/she’ll love it so it increases both of your sexual happiness- I mean, your partner is going to be jumping for joy that they’re getting some action, and if it works for you too, you’re both in for a treat 😉
As mentioned above, this requires a partner who can then last until they’ve pleasured you too. And obviously this isn’t every time you have sex!
But for me, this works a treat if I’m feeling like I really can’t relax because it helps to calm anxiety around sex, gives you something to focus on, buys time for you to get turned on without the pressure of getting turned on, and means you initiate which is a key ingredient to feeling more in control of your sex life.
What do you think- will spending time turning on your partner result in you feeling hornier?