When I first started out researching my flagging sex drive, I spent HOURS trying to work out “how to feel sexy”.
I was tits deep in Cosmo, Red, Elite Daily and Bustle trying to figure out just what other women do to feel sexy.
I kept wondering blankly- what makes me feel sexy?
And all I could think of was the generic, boring options most women are told by women’s magazines….. new lingerie, red lipstick, red nail varnish, a sexy playlist etc etc.
And then I just shut off. Being “sexy” just didn’t seem to apply to me. I’m just not.
Then, probably somewhere around 3am after some furious googling, me with my yoga pants on, hair messy, three-days post shower, crumbs everywhere, I had an epiphany.
“Sexy” is all about how you FEEL not how you look.
And you can’t DO sexy, you have to BE sexy.
Therefore you can’t buy it. It’s a state of being instead.
And as I can’t seem to populate the sexy list at the moment, why not begin with an unsexy list?
So, instead of thinking about Emily Nagoski’s sexual accelerator, and what I needed to make me feel sexy, maybe I needed to think more about what was applying the brake, and what made me feel unsexy.
Soz Susan- feel bad for including this, but I look exactly like you too 🙂
The Unsexy List
So, I wrote myself an “unsexy list”.
And people- it was eye opening!
Wanna know what I wrote? Course you do!
The things that make me feel unsexy are (*drum roll please…*)
- Old, holey pants (I’ve got some Tesco’s bought, circa 1998 pants still in circulation. In the bin they go!)
- Thinking I look like a bloke
- Not believing I can
- Feeling like being sexy is not something that I can do/be- it not being a part of my identity
- Going straight into sex without some build up and tension
- The pressure of knowing we’re going to have sex
- Always bonking in the bedroom at the end of the day (boring!)
- Starting sex from being naked
- Having my hair up
- Wearing glasses
- Feeling full/bloated after dinner
- Feeling like I haven’t “groomed”
- Not having showered that day or brushed my teeth
- Wearing my big winter dressing gown
- Wearing shoes/socks/slippers around the house (weird I know, but I love having bare feet)
So, by writing the unsexy list, all of a sudden I had a million things I could do the opposite to make me feel sexy!
For example straight away I knew that I was going to sort out my lingerie draw, think about how we were going into/initiating sex (especially how I don’t like to be naked at the beginning haha), and making more of an effort to have bare feet and clothing that made me feel sexier. As well as showering more often (I know, I’m lazy OK?).
The themes found above are reflected all throughout the blog, so this exercise was super helpful!
Spoiler alert: by getting rid of these things, it meant being more confident was my natural state, and I didn’t need to practise being sexy- I just felt it.
You read articles that say you have to practise being sexy, but I believe it’s already in there!
It’s just about you working out your turn offs to clearly see your turn ons.
It’s like the engines running all the time, so by taking your foot off the brake you’re already warmed up.
Then, if you really want to pick up some speed, write down what does make you feel sexy (hint: it’s often either the absence of the unsexy list, or the opposite to get you started).
So, after doing this exercise I had a lot to think about. And I realised that in getting rid of what made me feel unsexy, I was beginning to cultivate this idea of my own sexual identity.
Basically, what I need to do incorporate “being a sexual being” into my own life. So the next part of my journey was “making time for (and learning how to feel) sexy”.
P.S. Let me know whats on your unsexy list- I’d love to hear!