Frosties….. shreddies…. sex?

For some women, there are few words in the English language that give them more dread than when their partner utters the phrase: “can we have sex tonight?“.

Often casually spoken over the sounds of buttering toast and rustling cereal, a pre-breakfast sex request can beĀ a real turn off.

Why can this seemingly innocent chat over brekkie dampen our desire to have sex?

If you experience anxiety, such a long lead in to sex can mean you spend hours worrying.

Will I be able to get turned on? Will I actually want sex later? How do I look/smell/feel/taste?

If you haven’t been feeling in the mood for sex, you might feel the pressure building to say yes, and panic that you’re really not going to feel like it later. What if you have an exhausting day, or don’t feel well later, or just aren’t up for it?

Bez Stone writes about this issue in this post about the No1 killer of desire, which she believes is pressure and the idea that sex is the same old story of what she calls “round the bases sex”.

It might also be partly down to how sex is initiated- and the idea that sex is already a done deal.

In contrast to this, early on in a relationship, we put in loads of effort in the thrill of the chase.

It’s all new- new bodies, new feelings, new behaviours in the relationship. We savour our partners, tease, tantalise, explore, and get pleasure from the adventure together. It’s all about the will we-won’t we vibe- and the excitement of not knowing when they’ll want us again.

However, as relationships go on, it becomes harder to continue that sense of excitement and mystery around sex simply because we become familiar.

Sometimes we just know what works- so we do the same old routine over and over.

Other times, we might get a little lax in the effort we put in to initiate because it takes effort to keep up a sense of intrigue.

It’s hard to experience sexual anticipation when you’re already so acquainted with every part of your partners body and sexual skill, lovely as they may be.

And when we bring in to this mix the pre-brekkie sexual request, we fall foul of creating this sense of mystery.

Instead we go into utilitarian territory- the practical arrangement of sex like a business meeting. Sex loses the intrigue, the tease, and the anticipation.

For some women the pre-brekkie request warms their coffee nicely. For others, this type of initiation or announcement is worse than cold toast because it takes away any kind of build up, intrigue or creating the sexual tension needed to get you going.

To work out what’s right for you, it’s important to know yourself and what you need to turn you on.

For me, I found that out through understanding what my erotic blueprint is. The blueprints can offer help in understanding how you like to be approached for sex, and might be the first step to recognizing why arranging sex over your cereal can leave you feeling so soggy- and how you can tell your partner what you want.

Being able to talk to your partner about the issue, and understanding more about how too little seduction can diminish desire, might also be really helpful.