Initiation and control, Relationship patterns and habits

The dread of the pre-breakfast sex request

Frosties….. shreddies…. sex?

It might just be me, but I find my partners pre-brekkie requests for sex that evening- often casually spoken over the sounds of buttering toast and rustling cereal- a real turn off.

There are few words in the English language that give me more dread than when he utters the phrase: “can we have sex tonight?“.

As a woman who struggles with desiring sex, I’ve realised that anytime my partner tries to initiate a shag with over ten minutes prior notification, it puts the fear of god into me.

It’s not that I don’t like sex. Noooo. When it happens, I love it.

It’s more about the wanting it thats the problem (You can read more about that here).

So when my partner files his early morning request, proudly announcing wanting sex later, it sends me into panic mode because I spend all day wondering- will I?

I think, bless him, he imagines it’s the sexiest thing he can do.

Like- oooooohh she’ll be excited now! Bet she can’t wait until I get home. She’ll be chomping at the bit to get into these panties by the time we next see each other,

(At least, that’s how I imagine he thinks anyway).

Either that, or he just wanted to lock it in, making sure it’s done and dusted- broadcasting it to make sure we’re on the same page, like you’d call a team meeting at work or book a doctors appointment.

He says it nonchalantly, innocently, maybe squeezing a boob or an innocuous bum-grab to really signal his desires. Maybe even a little pre-toothbrushed kiss if I’m lucky.

He’s unaware of the fact that his request has just sent a thunderbolt of anxiety right down to my vagina and back because now I’ve got to deal with a whole day worrying about whether I’ll want it later, if I’ll be able to get turned on, if I can get wet, if I will feel like it after a long day ahead, if I’ll look OK…. it’s exhausting.

For those of us who experience anxiety, this early morning request spells disaster for our libidos.

So, why can this seemingly innocent chat over brekkie dampen our desire to have sex?

If you’re experiencing difficulties either desiring sex or getting in the mood, it might be partly down to how sex is initiated.

Early on in a relationship, we put in loads of effort in the thrill of the chase.

It’s all new- new bodies, new feelings, new behaviours in the relationship. We savour our partners, tease, tantalise, explore, and get pleasure from the adventure together. It’s all about the will we-won’t we vibe- and the excitement of not knowing when they’ll want us again.

However, as relationships go on, it becomes harder to continue that sense of excitement and mystery around sex simply because we become familiar.

Sometimes we just know what works- so we do the same old routine over and over.

Other times, we might get a little lax in the effort we put in to initiate because it takes effort to keep up a sense of intrigue.

It’s hard to experience sexual anticipation when you’re already so acquainted with every part of your partners body and sexual skill, lovely as they may be.

And when we bring in to this mix the pre-brekkie sexual request, we fall foul of creating this sense of mystery.

Instead we go into utilitarian territory- the practical arrangement of sex like a business meeting. Sex loses the intrigue, the tease, and the anticipation.

 

For some women the pre-brekkie request warms their coffee nicely. For others, this type of initiation or announcement is worse than cold toast because it takes away any kind of build up, intrigue or creating the sexual tension needed to get you going.

To work out what’s right for you, it’s important to know yourself and what you need to turn you on.

For me, I found that out through understanding what my erotic blueprint is.

Designed by Jaiya, a leading sex therapist, erotic blueprints are almost like our “sexual language”. There are five different types of blueprints:

  • Energetic
  • Sensual
  • Sexual
  • Kinky
  • Shape Shifter

The blueprints can offer help in understanding how you like to be approached for sex, and might be the first step to recognizing why arranging sex over your cereal can leave you feeling so soggy- and how you can tell your partner what you want.

I realised that I’m largely governed by energetic and sensual blueprints, so I need build up to sex which involves kissing, energy, space, seduction. No wonder the early morning chats were making my sex drive wilt!

And I found that an easy win was to communicate this to my boyfriend and tell him I prefer him not to ask for sex before it happens but rather to approach me differently, e.g. how Jayia recommends.

So far, it’s worked a dream.

I no longer need to dread having sex throughout the day, and I’ve learned more about myself and my own needs.

So if you’re also struggling with the fellatio-question-over-cheerios-situation, know that you aren’t alone and you can use the erotic blueprints to gain back control over your sex life.

You can take the quiz here.

How about you- do you like a good old breakfast sex request?

Love,

L

xx

 

Leave a Reply