I don’t know about you, but my sex education in school was terrible!
Pleasure was NOT a word that ever passed the lips and wet moustache of my terrifying science teacher.
He just wheeled out an old 80s TV on legs and showed us a video of a woman having a baby. My saucer-eyed class mates and I and then had a “fun” workshop which involved putting a condom on a banana.
The clit may have been mentioned, but in between the giggles and naughty kids flinging femidoms around the room, it was lost.
For many of us, sex education has often been poor because our society often marginalizes women’s pleasure in lieu of men’s.
It’s because we women are taught to be passive receivers of sexuality, not creators.
Sex is done to us, on us, in us- we’re always the object, not the subject.
But this has a devastating impact on desire.
Because if sex doesn’t feel good for us, if it’s not pressing our buttons, then it doesn’t give us much motivation to want it.
The way forwards then is for us women to start taking responsibility for our own pleasure.
To be the creators of our own sexuality, not waiting for others to activate desire within us.
This means seeking out a new sex-positive education, and communities and experiences that allow us to explore and shape a new narrative around our sexuality.
Q: So, how to take responsibility for your sexual pleasure?
A: Begin by finding a community to help
They say it takes a village to raise a child.
I’d say it takes a community of like minded women to help you get to grips with your sexuality.
To find them, sign up for as many spaces where you can get (decent) sex tips as you can.
Not junk food Cosmo articles that tell you how to pleasure your lover.
But real sites that are honest about female pleasure.
Check out their facebook groups, twitter feed, instagrams, newsletters, hashtags…. just surround yourself with sex positive messaging!
Places like OMGyes are an amazing good starting point- they have some great free videos on their Facebook page to get you thinking about pleasure.
Kinkly is another great resource with myth busting articles and educational resources about sex. They also have a list of their top sex bloggers and so it’s a gateway into a whole treasure trove of wonders!
The Modern Tantra blog is also great- take a look at her 12 step programme for better sex.
A fantastic place to begin your journey into sexuality is “The Good Sex”– a blog written by Helen Allison. With tons of free resources and common sense advice, it’s a great help with the first steps of getting in touch with your sexual self and what YOU want.
Another great space for sex tips is Youtube. Adina Rivers talks sex tipsin a way that’ll get you excited about sex as a skill to learn, not a foregone conclusion.
There’s also Hannah Witton– she’s aimed at a younger crowd, however her funny and chirpy videos are really educational.
Finding yourselves local spaces that encourage sex-positive discussion are key. Two examples are:
The Scarlet Ladies. They run London-based events for women, from choosing a sex toy to how to do a strip tease, and are a community of women breaking down the stigma and shame attached to female sexuality.
Another is the Sh! Women’s Store– they’re a London based erotic emporium with classes about anything from spanking to blow jobs. A great resource and they’ve got loads online too!
Q: Great. But what next?
A: Keep reading
Flood your inbox, twitter feed and your mind with new ways of thinking and learning about your own sexuality.
Not only will it kick-start you thinking about sex, but it’s also a great way to meet other women who can inspire and enlighten you.
Each article or blog will help you think about sexuality in new ways or opens up new opportunities for thinking. It’s SO worthwhile to begin this way and explore at your own pace.
- Give yourself time: the path to sexual empowerment likely won’t happen overnight, it’ll be a series of lightbulb moments over a long period. Keep immersing yourself in the community, keep reading- you’ll know when you’re there.
- Be kind to yourself: don’t be mad at yourself if you don’t get things straight away, if some things still shock you or don’t sit right with you. It’s YOUR journey, take it at your own pace, and most of all, don’t judge yourself.
What do you think- what has helped you explore/take responsibility for your sexuality?