If you’ve been following my blog for a while you’ll know that I’m on a hunt to re-establish my sexuality.
Namely, my sex drive.
It vanished into a poof of caffeine-filled, adrenaline-spiked, stress-fed busyness about two years ago, and ever since I’ve been trying to find it.
Part of that search has been understanding how to express myself in bed.
AKA being sexually assertive and telling others what I want and need.
I’ve spent the last year as basically the 2018 Dorothy and Toto, meeting friends along the way who’ve helped me learn more about sex, my body, pleasure and countless other magical mystery tips to find my way home and reboot my libido.
(A note for new readers: this has literally involved starting from scratch in terms of even finding out what I like, what turns me on, how I work. It’s been intense people- I was like a wet mop in bed with NO understanding of what I was doing. And not even wet in a good way).
Anyhow, back to the story.
The other day I was mid-bonk (and a rather good bonk it was too- it’s taken me bloody ages to get here), when I realised I felt really frustrated with my partner.
He wasn’t touching me where I wanted him to, and it was really pissing me off.
In my mind, there was a HUGE red arrow just pointing to the left, a little up, down, to the right….. and yet he wasn’t getting it.
“ARGRGG just touch me there FFS” I was busy saying angrily.
And yet…. I wasn’t saying.
I wasn’t even speaking.
I was totally silent, doing a pathetic lift of my bum to guide him to where to go. Literally a half-arsed attempt to get what I wanted.
For some of you, this is probably ridiculous.
Eating popcorn watching us like on Gogglebox you’d be saying “tell him! Just tell him? What are you waiting for?” *Throwing popcorn at the screen in annoyance*
Yet for me, this is VICTORY!
Because a few months ago I wouldn’t have even known what I wanted enough to be frustrated.
To me, frustration shows how far I’ve come.
I’m starting to know what I want! What feels good!
The frustration bubbling up inside of me when things aren’t going right shows my sexuality is beginning to come back to life.
That that I’M coming back.
The sexual me, the me that knows what I want not the me that “goes along with what he wants because she is clueless about what feels good”.
What I’m doing is working.
Frustration means pleasure is closer than it’s ever been.
It means I’m on the right path.
Granted I have some way to go to know how to be more sexually assertive in bed and how I can actually express myself and my desires, but this feeling really is a great thing for me. And I’m excited!
If this is you too, know that frustration that someone isn’t doing it right is great- it means that you DO know what you want. This is more than some people, and is a really great indicator that you’re also on the road to gaining control of your sexuality. I’d love to know what your experience is too- do you think frustration is a good thing?