If we don’t fancy having sex, it can get to the point where it’s “a big deal”.
We can start associating sexual pressure even with the smallest acts of affection by our partners.
At one point, I felt like every single hug, kiss, brush past or shuffle on the sofa had an ulterior motive.
And it meant I shied away from any affection my partner gave to me, constantly worrying or dreading that it meant he wanted sex.
I felt trapped between my own desire to please him and the growing feeling of hating sex welling up inside.
It’s a horrid feeling, and a big part of that is to do with a cycle that you become caught in…..
AKA: he/she initiating, you rejecting or giving in.
It’s quite possibly the least sexy situation to be in because any kind of touch or look becomes associated with sexual pressure. And you end up avoiding your lover like the plague, because you know their advances will either end in:
- you disappointing them
- an argument
- or giving in to sex that you don’t really want.
If this is you, you’ve become stuck in a totally disempowering bedtime routine.
And feeling powerless, hunted, trapped into having sex is literally the worst thing for your sex drive and feeling sexy.
Luckily however, I found two amazing resources online and discovered the GREAT news is that there’s actually a really simple, VERY effective way to change this awful cycle, start loving your partners touch again, and to potentially revive your sex drive rather quickly….
That advice is to take sex off the table.
WTF I hear you say, spitting out your tea and tripping over the dog.
Because it takes the pressure off.
And this is key.
As mentioned above, sex has become a high pressure commodity in the relationship with some unhelpful patterns around it.
So take it off the cards.
It sounds scary.
But by taking the sex off the table, even for seven days, the pressure is off.
You’re free of worry that he/she will initiate sex.
And this allows time for your desire to build. For touch to become associated with pleasure rather than pressure. For you to tease, tantalise and get closer.
Make sure you explain carefully to your partner exactly why this is important, and take good care of yourself during this process- it can feel really awkward or tough to have this convo (especially if you’re not having sex at the moment so a no-sex request seems laughable), but bear with it.
And, whilst you’ve taken sex off the table and there’s no pressure to have it:
- start ramping up your sex drive yourself. Look up more about desire, read erotic fiction, self-play, increase your fantasy and desire, do as much sexual self-care as you can. It’s a chance for you to reconnect with yourself and want YOU want in bed.
- check in with your partner. Talk about what you want, tell them about erotic blueprints.
- Use the “simmering” method.
Then, see how you feel as time goes on without pressure or expectation. Do you feel back in control yet? Can you feel any hint of desire coming back?
They say you don’t miss the water until the well runs dry.
Why not try stopping sex to see whether there’s even the tiniest thing there that you miss!
What do you think- Would you ever try this method? If you did, how did it go?