“For women, the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.”
― Isabel Allende, Of Love and Shadows

For the benefit of the people at the back I present to you exhibit A in the case of the missing sex drive: the phrase… fancy giving me a blowie?”.

If you’ve lost your sex drive, this might be to do with your partners *ahem* less than seductive request for a shag.

In fact, this is the equivalent of chucking a bucket of cold water over the campfire for some women.

This is because your desire can be hugely impacted (read- heightened or flattened) by the way in which your partner initiates sex. 

Straight to the point might not be the quickest route to desire….

Esther Perel states that some women find it distasteful (or even painful) when their partners go “straight to the point”, e.g. by asking for sex outright, or trying to initiate sex without any kind of warm up (e.g. going straight for the nipples or vagina).

Irene Fehr says, the way your partner approaches you for sex can either be:

  • a real turn on
  • or a HUGE nono for your libido.

This is because, (she puts it amazingly and so I quote):

Women’s libido is responsive to arousal, and arousal comes from stimulation: emotional, psychological, energetic, mental and physical. It can come from deep connection and curious attention, from play, from affectionate and sexual touch, from sharing desires, and simply from kind and thoughtful gestures through out the day that show her that you care.

Too often, after the initial wooing period, demonstrations of affection tend to be limited to foreplay — which makes them transactional. Just another stop on the way to the home run. And that kills women’s desire.

Women’s desire is to be evoked, not asked for. It is explored, built up and led up to, not turned on on-demand, like a light switch.”

Encouraging our partners to know how to build us up to sex is so important.

Anticipation, tease and sexual tension are not to be underestimated in turning us on. However, in a long term relationship the “pomp and ceremony” of seduction can go out of the window, especially when time is an issue, or we just don’t feel it’s as important!

So, how can we get our partners to seduce us right?

Sometimes we don’t even know how we’d like to be approached because we don’t know what feels good or what options there are. This is because we’re sold a story of sex in which there is only one narrative about what we SHOULD want. And if we don’t find that version of events satisfying, and aren’t sure what else is out there, we remain dissatisfied and can reach the point that we’re just not interested in sex.

This is because we haven’t yet gone on the journey to find out what we really want or need…. perhaps we only know what we don’t like! But that’s a good place to begin.

Figuring out what the conditions are that encourage/open you up to sex are important, as well as knowing what turns you on. Using Jaiya’s Erotic Blueprint series can be really helpful to find out more about the way you like to be seduced (and to find a language to use to express that to your partner).

Amy Jo Goddard suggests that figuring out your “seduction style” is important, and her list includes:

  • Intellectual stimulation
  • Playfulness
  • Eye contact and body language
  • Massage and tenderness
  • Talking dirty
  • Dominance and control
  • Touch
  • Romance, candles, music
  • Adventure, free spirited allure, leading the chase, being hard to get
  • Being direct
  • Food and wine
  • Endearing awkwardness
  • Surprise and novelty
  • Lingerie, strip tease, and erotic dance
  • Being dark, dangerous, brooding
  • Flattery

And consider these myths around foreplay that work against us when it comes to seduction, and how your sex drive is like a boiler, so introducing the concept of simmering is one that might work for you.

Letting your partner know what you want and need is the final (and often terrifying) last step.

We don’t often talk about our partners and their contribution to our low sex drive, but this is an important one.

Sadly, we don’t spend enough time talking about seduction- only the “main event” of sex, so this is an area often unknown, forgotten or ignored.

But helping your partner understand your needs and how YOU want to be seduced might be key to increasing your desire and decreasing the pressure around sex.

Good luck!