Often, losing your sex drive means that you rarely (if ever) think about sex.

Instead, other thoughts take priority and crowd our brain. Whether we’re meeting a work deadline, planning dinner, organising the children’s week, thoughts about sex often don’t just pop into our heads because they’re too full of everything else!

For many women, these sexual thoughts do come- but only AFTER they’ve been aroused- (read more about responsive desire here, which is BTW is totally normal).

But without these background thoughts to keep us “warmed up” to the idea of sex, we can feel like getting aroused seems as much effort as one of those old fashioned steam trains starting up.  

And this can be really off-putting for having sex when you know how long and much work it takes to get you horny!

One of the reasons it’s so hard to access sexual thoughts quickly is because we’re very likely mostly using the left hand, logical part of our mind. This is the part linked to planning, organising, writing lists and analysing information.

When we instead become more attuned to using the right side of our brain (where imagination, creativity, instinct, intuition, passion resides) we can gently shake our imagination out of slumber to become more alert to sexual stimulus. 

And one of the things we can try is to purposefully practice thinking about sex, desire, fantasy- so that it becomes easier to access and connect to our sexual side.

This is almost like a manual restart for the brain- dusting off our imagination, helping ourselves to conjure up fantasies, imagining sex or feeling turned on on a regular basis can mean our minds become less rusty and more accustomed to thinking in this way.

I call it “waking up your mind to desire” because it’s about becoming more conscious of sex in your everyday environment to help you bring it back to the forefront of your mind- making erotic thoughts “think themselves” in future.

So if you’re struggling to imagine yourself wanting sex, the tips below might be just what you need to get spark impulsive desire.

Here are the best ways to try waking up your mind to desire…

  1. Use your imagination- Esther Perel states; “the crisis of desire is often a crisis of the imagination”. Find out why using your imagination is key to sparking desire, and some great tips on *how* you can do so in this post.

  2. Schedule in time to think about sex. Just like the above, it’s important to spend time dedicated to using your imagination and kick starting desire. Actually putting time aside to do so is more important than you think.

  3. Get creative. The more time you can spend on the right hand side of your brain expressing yourself, it’s easier to let loose and enjoy sex. 

  4. Find yourself a sexual role model. A sexual role model is someone who you look up to and can channel their daily sexy super power into yours. Sounds stupid right!? Trust me, it’s helpful.

  5. Use music. Just as focusing on sound is about connecting to your senses, so can it increase your ability to feel sexual. Stick on your favourite playlist that makes you feel good and start from there!  

  6. Go and watch a Burlesque show. Or any other show that makes you feel sexy. Appreciate different body types and the beauty of the human form- whatever your bra or dress size! 

  7. Take a sex class. Many sex shops or feminist groups run classes locally about increasing your skill in bed or learning about new and exciting activities to increase your sexual repertoire. If there’s nothing locally, there’s some fab Youtubers that have some brilliant tips designed to spice things up 🙂

  8. Read as much as you can about sex. To get you started thinking about sex, why not try this resource from Layla Martin called “Wild Woman in the Bedroom”

I hope these tips are helpful for you. Often our sex drives are a bit like a boiler– the more we keep them on but kept on a low heat, the easier it is to get turned on in future.

P.S. Have you tried any of these tips? Or have you tried something similar? What did you think?