Sexual self-empowerment is essentially the journey we go through to explore (and create) our sexual self.
Just as we develop throughout our lives and learn who and how to be at work, in our social circles and in relationships, we also learn how to express ourselves (our wants, needs, desires) in the bedroom.
This is part of our sexuality. We often hear this term and think it means sexual orientation, but in fact that’s just one small part of our sexual self- e.g. who we are and what we like during sex.
However for many women, society doesn’t enable them to get to know who they are and what they want when making love. This is because throughout history the focus of sex has always been on male pleasure, and women are often called names or censured if they begin to explore and experiment with their sexuality.
So, as a woman, owning your own sexual power really is a revolutionary act.
But- where to begin?
My guess is that if you’re reading this its because you’ve either never had the opportunity to explore this side of yourself, or you did a long time ago and haven’t connected recently.
Either way- I’ve got a great starting point for you! My guide to “Sexual Self-Empowerment” below will walk you through the five steps needed to create or reconnect to your sexual self.
After completing these five steps, you’ll:
- understand your body, how it works intimately without shame or embarrassment
- learn what you like, and don’t like, during sex and you’re not afraid to ask for it
- know how to be an active participant in sex- directing others in how to give you pleasure
- know your boundaries, and asserting them when needed
- feel connected, alive, creative, powerful, in control and yet able to surrender to pleasure when you choose to
These are the essential skills to feel empowered in bed, to know what you want- and how to get it!
The plan is designed for complete beginners like I was- i.e. having no clue about what you want in bed and feeling about as sexy as a broom handle.
It’s designed to take you all the way from the real basics through to having a much deeper and healthier relationship with your sexuality.
I’ve called it an art because because at its core is creativity- its the ultimate expression of what makes you YOU.
It’s also a beautiful process to go through- full of trial and error, and self-discovery.
Wherever you’re at on your journey I hope you’ll find something useful, and I’d love to know how you get on in the comments below!
Step One: Learn about how your sex drive works
Step one really is getting to grip with the basics. Knowing how how desire actually works may surprise you!
Begin here with my “Understanding Desire” series- a four part post that will take you through an in-depth guide to your sex drive, exploring things like your sexual accelerators and brakes, and two models of desire. Is your libido more responsive or impulsive? Click here to find out!
Step Two. Learn how to take responsibility for your own sexual pleasure
Because male pleasure has always been the focus of sex, the next big step is to take responsibility for your your own journey into sexual self-empowerment.
A big part of this involves seeking out a whole new sexual education for yourself. One that’s accurate, exciting, woman-centred, fulfilling and based on how to seek pleasure.
Begin with this article “Don’t just lie back and think of England- take control of your sexual pleasure” for some great tips and resources to begin this journey.
Step Three. Find out what turns you off, and on!
The secret to improving your sex drive (spoiler alert!) is knowing what turns you off.
Because the more you know about what’s closing down your desire, the quicker you can start minimising the impact of these factors on your life.
There are six main factors that block desire – do you recognise any on this list? A great place to start is also the “Unsexy List” available in the Free Downloads– sometimes it’s easier beginning with what we don’t like rather than what we do!
Equally important as knowing what turns you off is what turns you on, known as your “sexual accelerators”. Knowing what you fancy helps you identify what things give you pleasure, which is crucial to having great sex!
If you’re a complete beginner (like I was!) start here: “How to find out what turns you on, when you have no clue where to start…”.
Also check out my “Ultimate Guide For The Totally Clueless to Knowing What You Want In Bed”- that really does start with the basics on how to begin knowing what you want!
Step Four. Figure out how to ask for what you want
I found the best place to start with isn’t learning about how to ask but rather asking yourself what’s holding you back from speaking out in bed? Knowing what you find difficult/embarassing/a barrier to being able to express yourself sexually is the first step.
Then check out this post: Asking for what you want (an awkward girls guide to dirty talk) for tips on being sexually assertive in bed- especially written for if you’re an awkward person like me!
Step Five. Wake up your body and mind to desire
Our minds can sometimes feel such busy places that we disconnect from our bodies and can’t pick up on the signals of sexual arousal. So to ignite desire, you need to connect back to these aspects of eroticism and bring your sexuality back to life. This has two parts:
- 1. Waking up your mind to desire: we’re often stuck in our planning /organising /logical mind, but sex needs creativity, excitement, intrigue and tease. This post is dedicated to ALL of the ways that you can spark desire through encouraging your mind to reconnect to your naughty side.
- 2. Waking up your body to sexuality: This is about connecting with your body (in a way you may never have done before) so that you see yourself in a sexual way. It involves learning how to use your body to communicate, paying attention to sensations and sexual triggers, getting back in touch with your senses and slowing things down to ignite desire from within. This post has ideas about how to reconnect with your body to feel sexually alive again.
I’d love to know- where are you at on your journey to sexual empowerment? What are the areas you want to work on? Let me know in the comments below.