A woman’s sex drive is multi-faceted, sensitive, vibrant.
It lies at the intersection of three carefully balanced, different factors:
Every libido is different. Every woman unique.
And there are lots of elements of desire that we need to take into account in order to feel sexually well, and to thrive in the bedroom.
So I’ve put together what I believe are the seven foundations of sexual well-being for you below, and the best way of improving your sex drive.
I hope you find these as useful as I have.
Discover (or reconnecting to) your sexual identity
We’re not taught in sex ed at school about sex PROPERLY.
Sure we’ve put a banana on a condom, but do you *really* know about female pleasure?
This section is for you if you’ve struggled with the erosion of (or perhaps never having found) your sexual identity.
This is your sexual self- the part that feels sexy, is confident in the bedroom and is able to ask for what she wants.
- you aren’t sure how your sex drive works
- you don’t know what turns you on or how to ask for what you want
- you feel empty, disconnected, flat
- you never feel sexy, or used to but don’t know how to get that feeling back
- you don’t ever really think about sex or fantasise
- you feel shame or embarassment around sex or your desires
Not knowing how you work or being disconnected from your sexual identity is THE number one thief of your desire!
Knowing how to get her back (or find her in the first place) can feel an insurmountable or intimidating task- often shame, fear, mis-education or embarrassment hold us back from becoming the true women we’d like to be in bed. But, this is one of the most important journeys you can go on and discover for yourself.
2. Improve how sex feels
Lets face it, if sex doesn’t feel nice- there’s very little reason to want to do it!
If sex (or the build up to it) feels distressing, painful, unexciting or makes you feel bad….. it’s not going to be very appealing for you in future.
So the plan is to change this, by any means necessary, because you deserve great sex.
Read on for how to improve how sex feels here.
3. Feel emotionally/psychologically well
Your mental/emotional well-being is central to your sexual health firstly because feelings of anxiety and depression are evolutionary wired to close down any desire you have for sex. Learning more about how they can impact on your sex drive, and how to mitigate against them, is vital for improving your desire.
4. Re-prioritise sex when you’re busy/stressed
Stress is a massive issue for many women. Their lifestyles have become so super busy (read: work, kids, socialising, hobbies, chores, caring responsibilities- the list is endless) and they’re so overloaded that stress- the evolutionary off switch for desire- is flipped.
Essentially, this thief is time.
Read on to find out more about exactly how and why stress is biologically driven to shut down your libido here. This section also includes things like the importance of sleep, how being busy can make sex fall to the bottom of your to-do list, and how shaking up your routine to reduce stress can really help.
5. Maintain a good body image
For many women, worry about our bodies and what we look like can impact on our enjoyment of sex, leaving us feeling anxious, unable to relax and enjoy the moment.
We’re bombarded by ideas from the media about what we should look like or how we should perform. Find out more about how to increase your body image and enjoy sex.
6. Feel physically/medically well
Your physical health is also a major factor in your libido. Things like hormones, STD’s, hygiene, medication, amount of sleep, your period cycle, nutrition, illnesses and physical trauma (e.g. childbirth, surgeries) can all steal desire in different ways. Having a good basic biology is the foundation of a good sex drive, and understanding how even everyday factors like sleep and nutrition play a part in the thievery are part and parcel of having a good sex drive (and giving ourselves a break!).
7. Feel good in your relationship
Our relationships and how we feel within them can have a huge effect on our desire. Resentment, loss of control and lack of physical contact can really impact on how attracted we feel towards our partners. We can get stuck in patterns we haven’t noticed or can’t see around initiation and rejection, so as we continue in the relationship a low sex drive can CAUSE issues as well as be a result of them. So we get stuck into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
There are five smaller thieves hiding under this category that can all wreak havoc and rob us of our sexual attraction or want for sex:
- Create warmth or affection between partners: feeling cold towards your partner, because of unresolved conflict, anger, resentment, hurt, or a general lack of affection outside of the bedroom, can lead to problems within the bedroom. For many women, their desire doesn’t exist within a vacuum and (who’d have thought it?) often how they feel about their partner governs how much they might like to have sex with them. Solutions for this category involve communication, learning how to resolve conflict and using things like the power of the snog (your secret weapon. Thank me later).
- Spark attraction towards your partner: this one probably isn’t rocket science. For many of us, sex requires attraction, and without this element we might be robbed of our desire. All isn’t lost though- often this is so closely tied to warmth and affection that increasing the former can impact on the latter.
- Having engaging and varied sex. Always having sex in the same place/position/process (e.g from naked, in bed, at the end of the day etc) mean there’s no excitement, no intrigue, and nothing to look forwards to!
- Take sexual control: Control is sexy. A lack of control, and getting stuck into a “he/she initiates I reject/give in” cycle is the least sexy (and most disempowering thing) possible. We often slip into this pattern as the relationship continues, so what reared its head as a problem when you shied away from sex a few times has become a self-sustaining problem that adds fuel to the fire and drives a wedge between you the more it carries on.
- Re-educate your partner in how to turn you on: This is something we can all learn from, and is arguably the most widespread desire thief of all women everywhere. The golden rule is: if sex doesn’t feel pleasurable, it’s not going to inspire you to want it. So, learning more about how your partner can also make you feel great is SO key for getting good quality sex. This includes how he can initiate sex, and turn you on!
Now you know the kinds of things that can drain your desire for sex, how about learning the secret to fixing it?