When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, it’s easy for the sex to slide.
We’ve all been there.
It takes effort to keep things fresh and exciting. Sometimes it’s easier to slide into bed, do the missionary fumble, then nod off to sleep after a busy day.
But this lack of excitement in the bedroom can spell disaster in the long run, because boring sex doesn’t inspire us to really want to want it.
Some of the usual patterns couples might fall into in this category include:
- Having sex in the same place (the bed?)
- Having sex at the same time (the end of the day before bed?)
- Having sex in the same position (missionary?)
- Doing it in a certain way (always from naked)
- Always the same initiation pattern to sex
So, when was the last time you tried anything different sexually?
For me, we literally just got naked, went to bed, had sex.
Not very appealing, appetising, or inviting ey?
However, it feels like this just becomes the norm when you’ve been together for a while. The effort just sort of slides, and after five years together, well, we probably just couldn’t really be bothered.
And you do expect sex just to kind of happen. Without any pre-thought or build up. Which, it turns out, IS LITERALLY ONE OF THE WORST THINGS YOU CAN DO.
How to spice up your sex life and warm up your sex drive?
This obviously isn’t rocket science, but it’s amazing how long it’s taken me to figure out that some thinking and effort is required to keep sex feeling good, exciting and interesting.
Obviously doing this isn’t really rocket science. To make things more interesting- I knew I needed to change them up!
In the future, I knew we could do lots more fun stuff in bed, but for me it was getting over that very first hurdle of actually getting in the mood for sex.
So, here’s what I did/am doing to get a better and more varied sex life…..
1. Figured out what’s stopping me?
Perhaps it’s more interesting to think about what’s holding me back from changing things, putting in effort or being more creative in the bedroom?
For me, it was linked to stress and sex not being a priority for us.
It was also tied to my expectations around sex.
This is what Bez Stone calls “around the bases” sex– aka sex where you just go through the motions and the same old pattern- a little foreplay then penis in vagina sex to orgasm.
Sure it’s the model we all know. But, HOW BORING.
This metro article explains perfectly why goal oriented sex (where we only care about the orgasmic destination not the journey) is problematic, especially for women.
We deserve better.
Instead, I tried to think about sex as a menu. Sure, some nights you might want comfort food. But others you might wanna skip straight to dessert, have two starters and no main, or other nights you might splash out on trashy junk food so you scratch that itch.
Consider sex as a build-a-bear style activity where you customize it however you want. Break all the rules. And have fun!
2: Stop sex. Then tease.
Getting trapped into a cycle of “they initiate, I give in” is the least sexy thing EVER.
I read an amazing Bez Stone article and realised I needed to pull sex off the table and give me a chance to initiate it, so I could regain some control over my confidence and feel sexier. See this post on negative patterns of initiation and lose control over our own sexuality.
In the meantime, whilst sex was off limits, I learned how to build the tease and tantalisation so that I broke the cycle of initiation and associated cuddles and kisses not with sexual pressure but with pleasure. One way to implement this idea is using the power of the snog. Go ahead- I’d recommend it 🙂
3: Find out more about initiation
We can also get stuck into our favourite ways of initiating sex that become so well-trodden that they end up not exciting us anymore- e.g. your partner always goes straight for your bum/boobs and leaves out the rest of your body.
Knowing what your erotic blueprint is (how you like to be approached for sex) helped me so much to find a language to express what I needed in bed.
4: Create distance to create desire
Esther Perel’s teachings suggest that in order to spice things up you need to create distance in order to have novelty- a key element of desire. Find out how I did this here (COMING SOON).
If this is your experience too, you might want to read further into the sections of the blog about: