What if I told you your sex drive isn’t broken.
Maybe you’ve just got stuck into a boring pattern in bed?
What I mean by that is, having predictable, caught in a rut sex isn’t going to inspire you to desire it any time soon.
Because sex should be either about pleasure or stress-relief. And having monotonous sex doesn’t provide you with either!
So, one of the jobs on your sexual to-do list is to reinvigorate the way you have sex or do foreplay…
Being stuck in a lifeless routine
When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, it’s easy for the sex to slide.
We’ve all been there.
It takes effort to keep things fresh and exciting. Sometimes it’s easier to slide into bed, do the missionary fumble, then nod off to sleep after a busy day.
But this lack of excitement in the bedroom can spell disaster in the long run, because boring sex doesn’t inspire us to really want to want it.
Some of the usual patterns couples might fall into in this category include:
- Having sex in the same place (the bed?)
- Having sex at the same time (the end of the day before bed?)
- Having sex in the same position (missionary?)
- Doing it in a certain way (always from naked)
- Always the same initiation pattern to sex
So, when was the last time you tried anything different sexually?
How to spice up your sex life and warm up your sex drive?
So my job isn’t really to tell you about HOW to have sex- there’s plenty of amazing sites out there that’ll give you advice on how to do that.
No- my job is simply to get you there.
I’ve compiled some of my tips, curated the best sexual advice and some further reading to help you consider ways you could shake things up, make sex fun again, and rekindle your desire…..
Tip one: shake things up
Tip one isn’t really rocket science. To make things more interesting- change them up!
Firstly this is about doing the opposite of the above.
It doesn’t need to be all super exciting, chains and whips style newness. Often you also get stuck into always having sex in the same way, for example from being naked. It can be fun to mix up how you begin– be undressed, or keep some long socks or knickers on whilst you’re having sex. Or even do it fully clothed and feel the naughtiness of being like teenagers afraid of getting caught again! Simply having a bonk where you wear a t-shirt instead of being naked might just fit the bill.
If you’re not having sex currently then I’d say addressing the pattern of initiation needs to come first.
You might appreciate reading this article about how we can get into negative patterns of initiation and lose control over our own sexuality. We can also get stuck into our favourite ways of initiating sex that become so well-trodden that they end up not exciting us anymore- e.g. your partner always goes straight for your bum/boobs and leaves out the rest of your body. Knowing what your erotic blueprint is (how you like to be approached for sex) can be really helpful to fix this aspect first.
Next, change up the sex you are having. Try sex in a different place- in the shower, on the bedroom floor, on the edge of the bed, behind the door, outside- the worlds your oyster in this regard! Here’s a fab article from The Good Sex about 10 easy ways to incorporate “kink” into your sex life– trust me, they really are easy!
This one’s really important- try playing with having sex in the morning rather than the last thing at the end of the day. Get a super early night so you feel fresh the next day.
Finally, change up positions. Often we slip into having sex in missionary (especially if we get anxious– this is then a vicious cycle where you’re free to worry rather than moving your body). Not that there’s anything wrong with lovely old missionary I might add, but if you’re missing out on all the other positions if that’s the only one you’re doing!
Here’s some further reading and tips from The Sexperts Lounge to give you food for thought.
Tip two: what’s stopping you?
Perhaps it’s more interesting to think about what’s holding us back…
Why aren’t we changing things, putting in effort or being more creative in the bedroom?
It might also be around our partners (and their lack of creativity or skill in the bedroom).
Or it could be to do with our expectations around sex.
This is what Bez Stone calls “around the bases” sex– aka sex where you just go through the motions and the same old pattern- a little foreplay then penis in vagina sex to orgasm.
Sure it’s the model we all know. But, HOW BORING.
This metro article explains perfectly why goal oriented sex (where we only care about the orgasmic destination not the journey) is problematic, especially for women.
We deserve better.
Instead, try and think about sex as a menu. Sure, some nights you might want comfort food. But others you might wanna skip straight to dessert, have two starters and no main, or other nights you might splash out on trashy junk food so you scratch that itch.
Consider sex as a build-a-bear style activity where you customize it however you want. Break all the rules. And have fun!
Tip three: what did you do at the beginning?
It’s really important to consider the difference between old and new here.
Maybe you could take some inspiration from past you, AKA remembering how you were together when you began your relationship.
Most of us remember what sex is like when you first get into a relationship. Snogging all over the kitchen. Hours spent staring into each others eyes, worshipping the others body, staying up late and going into work with no sleep, missing your favourite TV show just to snuggle them on the sofa.
OBVIOUSLY things change, and over time the intensity of those first few heady months evaporates and you get into the swing of the relationship.
No-one could possibly keep up that same level of eagerness, passion and sex- for one you’d suffer from the lack of sleep! And for two, relationships mature into something equally beautiful involving trust, stability and routine.
But I still hold that its really useful to take yourself back to reacquaint yourself with why you’re in the relationship in the first place.
Why did you fall in love with them? What did you used to do? How were you with each other?
Tapping back into that you can work wonders for melting resentment and reconnecting you to your partner. And it might just give you some inspiration for how to spice things up!
Tip four: foreplay ALL day
Esther Perel suggests that foreplay for your next sexual encounter should begin straight after the current one ends.
How would that transform your relationship if the anticipation, the tease, the desire was stoked during the everyday?
One way to implement this idea is using the power of the snog. Go ahead- I’d recommend it 🙂
Tip five: mating in captivity
Esther Perel is a genius when it comes to understanding relationships and desire.
Her TED talk above talks about the secret to desire in a long term relationship, and in it she describes how love and desire are opposites.
She argues that to love is “to have” (closeness), whereas to desire is “to want”.
And how can we want what we already have?
She talks about how, at the heart of desire is two opposite human needs…
The need for security/predictability/safety/dependability/reliability/grounding/permanence.
And the need for adventure/novelty/mystery/risk/danger/unknown/the unexpected/surprise.
So, to reconciliation the two she recommends that, just as fire needs air, desire needs space.
Not too much, but enough that you see your partner with new eyes.
This could be when they’re absent, when they’re in their element (e.g. at work, on stage, surrounded by friends, confident- when they seem “self-sustaining. I’d also add if you experience a little jealousy too).
But Esther talks about the most important new way of seeing your partner, and that is when there is novelty.
This isn’t about new positions, lingerie and toys (as we’re commonly taught) but rather what parts of you are bringing out/just being seen.
To create novelty, we should view sex not as something you do but rather as a “place” (not like getting on a plane to Benidorm but instead a space you go inside of yourself or that you’ve created with another).
In that place she asks you to consider:
- What parts of you do you want to bring out/want to be seen there?
- What do you seek to express there? (transcendence and spiritual union? Naughtiness? A place where you can finally surrender and not have to take responsibility for everything?)
Luckily, she sees the antidote to low desire as erotic intelligence- “sexuality transformed by the human imagination”.
Erotic intelligence can be cultivated.
This, for me, means that the more we get to know ourselves and what the thieves of our desire are, the quicker we can bring it back.
So for example, other people described things like feeling dead inside, having no time for myself, low self-esteem as being things that shut down their want to have sex. If we’re vigilant, worried, anxious, she says, this means we can’t transcend that to experience pleasure and imagination, the central tenets of great sex.
Esther thinks that we should consider these questions to work out this out for ourselves:
- I turn myself on/I wake up when…
- I shut myself off/my desires close down when…
If this is your experience too, you might want to read further into the sections of the blog about:
So, hopefully that helps give you a sense of how you can spice things up and have BETTER sex that increases your desire for it.