For the benefit of the people at the back I present to you exhibit A- the disempowering sexual cycle of initiation and loss of control.
Learning about the impact of initiation and control was probably one of the most important things I found on my journey to get my sex drive back.
This is because your desire can be hugely impacted (read- heightened or flattened) by the way in which your partner initiates sex.
As well as how said pattern of initiation affects your sense of control.
How the way sex is initiated impacts on your sex drive.
So, I guess now I know this, it’s not exactly rocket science, but as someone totally new to this I needed it spelling out. So here’s me spelling it out.
As Irene Fehr says, the way your partner approaches you for sex can either be a real turn on or a HUGE nono for your libido.
For example, asking “Honey, can we have sex tonight?” (or, want a bit of sausage babe? Fancy giving me a blowie? Any of those examples…..) is a definition libido killer.
This is because, (she puts it amazingly and so I quote):
“Women’s libido is responsive to arousal, and arousal comes from stimulation: emotional, psychological, energetic, mental and physical. It can come from deep connection and curious attention, from play, from affectionate and sexual touch, from sharing desires, and simply from kind and thoughtful gestures through out the day that show her that you care.
Too often, after the initial wooing period, demonstrations of affection tend to be limited to foreplay — which makes them transactional. Just another stop on the way to the home run. And that kills women’s desire.
Women’s desire is to be evoked, not asked for. It is explored, built up and led up to, not turned on on-demand, like a light switch.”
The way in which your partner initiates, therefore, is key to increasing your desire. And your ability to communicate your needs to your partner in this area is crucial. It’s time he/she had a brand new sexual education!
To understand more about the way in which sex can be initiated to turn you on based on your sexual type, I’d recommend reading about Jaiya’s Erotic Blueprint series here. It’ll give you a new language to use to describe how you’d like to be approached. She also includes the shadows section which’ll let you know what kind of things will turn off your type too. Amazing! Why not share this new information with your partner and see how you can shake up your initiation routine for something a bit more you.
How a low sex drive can mean a loss of control… and how to get it back
You’ll know the feeling.
Your partner gives you the wink, the hand on the back, the ear nibble, or the flat out asking for sex. And you feel sick, avoid their touch, even go to bed early to try and keep out of their way.
You pray they’re not going to mention having sex tonight, that they’ll forget, that it’ll slip their mind.
It’s a horrid feeling, and a big part of that is to do with the cycle that you’ve become caught in- he/she initiates, you reject or give in.
It’s quite possibly the least sexy situation to be in.
Mainly because there’s something super sexy about being the one to initiate and be in control. And when you’re just the “giver-inner” mercilessly waiting/dreading to be asked, you’ve become stuck in a totally disempowering bedtime routine.
At this point, any touch from your partner has become loaded with pressure to have sex, so often, even the initiation routine of sex can increase your stress levels.
A note on “just doing it”
Many women decide to just do it, and that’s OK. Don’t get me wrong, having sex because you want to be close to someone else isn’t necessarily a bad reason (read more on this here). But for sure, if you’re having sex more times because someone else wants to, or because you felt like you should, or because you did it for your relationship, there’s a problem.
Because- life’s too short! We should all look forwards to and cherish sex, not let it become a dreaded end of day jobbie to get done and then flop into bed. So, fixing this negative pattern is clearly important.
How to ditch the disempowering cycle
The best advice I’ve read from sex therapists is……
Take sex off the table.
Yes, it feels pretty revolutionary. Perhaps you’re already not having sex, so this isn’t a big deal, but stay with me- it’s important.
Because it takes the pressure off.
And this is key.
As mentioned above, sex has become a high pressure commodity in the relationship with some unhelpful parterns around it.
So take it off the cards.
It sounds scary, you might not be sure what your partner will think, you might wonder if you’ll ever have sex again? But what happens next, I promise, will surprise you.
By taking the sex off the table, even for seven days, the pressure is off. You’re free of worry that he/she will initiate sex. And it’s time for your desire to build.
Use this space and time to start ramping up your sex drive yourself. Look up understanding desire, read erotic fiction, self-play, increase your fantasy and desire, do as much sexual self-care as you can. It’s a chance for you to reconnect with yourself and want YOU want in bed.
Use the time to check in with your partner. Talk about what you want, tell them about erotic blueprints.
But most importantly.
It’s time to employ your secret weapon….
*If this was TV we’d have some kind of booming voice and snazzy theme tune announcing this, go on- just imagine it anyway*
Click on the link to find out more, but the idea is that you use the principles behind the power of the snog to increase the sexual contact you’re having but you’ve bottomed out any pressure or expectation around the act.
You’ll reconnect in a new and exciting way (or maybe in an old way that you used to?).
Either way, you can thank me later. Bez Stone writes more about it in this article.
And let me know if you have any tips below that helped you shake off the initiation-control dilemma.