Understanding how your sex drive *actually* works is totally fascinating, AND the first step in learning how to improve it.
Looking back on “what I know now”, this section really was a lightbulb moment for me.
It validated my experience, allowed me to understand myself, and gave me hope for future change.
This post is a long read, granted, but in terms of opening your eyes to a “new normal”, it’s totally worth it.
Your sex drive is part of what is known as your “sexual response system”.
Sexual health professionals agree that roughly your response has three parts:
Desire: When someone really wants to have sex with someone else, it is called ‘desire’. Your desire to have sex (libido) is in your mind.
Arousal: When someone is really turned on or horny it is called ‘arousal’. This is about the process that your body goes through to get ready for sex.
Orgasm: I don’t need to explain this one, right?
Sometimes they can happen at the same time, sometimes they work independently from each other.
For example, you can be aroused but not feel desire, e.g. when men get hard-ons on the bus.
You can also desire someone but struggle to get aroused. For example worrying about having sex so you can’t get wet, or after drinking heavily.
What scientists don’t agree on is what order they go in.
THE CLASSIC (MALE!!!) MODEL GOES LIKE THIS:
If your sexual response is like this, it means that you have whats called a “spontaneous” or impulsive sex drive.*
*note not everyone experiences it like this or achieves orgasm to have good sex!
Spontaneous means desiring or wanting sex BEFORE any sexual behaviour or contact.
So this is seeing someone you fancy and want to bonk (desire) and then getting a fanny gallop/your body getting horny (arousal).
Lots of men tend to be more spontaneous- they say men think about sex every 6 seconds so this makes sense! (more on this later)
Because this is the most well known form of sexual response, not fitting this model can feel like there is something wrong with you.
If you’re not thinking about sex during the day, randomly desiring sex during a boring meeting, or wanting it before you bonk, you don’t fit into this model.
And it feels shitty.
However, enter at this point in my life my new bible:
This book was to me like the apple was to Newton.
It hit me like a ton of bricks, and changed my whole thinking about what I was experiencing.
I’m totally not on commission, but I just want to say- buy it buy it buy it if you’re going through a sexual dry spell and blame yourself.
However, in summary, the author (Emily Nagoksi -a sexual health guru with a PhD so she must know what she’s talking about) thinks lots of women tend to fit a different model of sexual initiation called “responsive desire”:
RESPONSIVE DESIRE: A “NEW NORMAL”?
Emily’s groundbreaking theory is that sexual desire happens AFTER/IN RESPONSE TO sexual behaviour or contact.
I’ll just let that sink in.
So, this is when you’re not that bothered about sex, then you start to have sex (we’ve all been there, no?) or be touched, and only THEN do you become aroused, and THEN move to the “hell, yeah!” (desire) mood soon after!
AROUSAL (being touched/stimulated)>DESIRE (want)>ORGASM (if we’re lucky, ey girls?)
This means your process might look a little more like this:
That means there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t really think about sex outside the bedroom, or you don’t fancy it until you’ve got going.
Nagoski also designed a handy chart on her website that you can work out which type of response you most align to (reprinted below).
|Spontaneous Desire||Responsive Desire|
The great news is, desire in response to arousal is a totally normal way of being.
Most (if not all) people will recognise points in their life when they have struggled with either arousal, desire, or orgasm. Or all three.
We might also switch between spontaneous and responsive sexual responses too depending on our well-being, stage of relationship or other factors. Its all completely normal!
So, hopefully you can see that there are different types of sexual response, and yours might be “slow” rather than “low”.
That’s because much of what we know about sex drives is based around men’s response, not women’s. More on this later.
But wait- there’s more!
SEXUAL ACCELERANTS AND BRAKES
The vast majority of advice, tips and sites dedicated to improving your libido are about turning you on more.
This is called “putting your foot on the sexual accelerator” according to Emily Nagoski .
This is things like
- Sexy lingerie
- Eating aphrodisiacs
- Sex toys
- Dirty weekends away
However, she asks…
What if getting horny isn’t about putting our foot down on the accelerator as hard as we can, but rather helping us to ease off the brake?
Because, if the brake is down as hard as it can be, no amount of accelerator pressing/butt plugs or weekends in Bognor are going to get us off.
So the key instead is working out what’s stopping you from feeling like you want sex– aka the things that block you from feeling sexy, in the mood or attracted to your partner.
Are you with me?
Nagoski also thinks that women have much more sensitive brakes than men, so perhaps we’re more affected by stress, anxiety, body image issues and other factors…… (again, more on this later).
Hopefully this has given a completely different world view on your sex drive. For me, I suddenly understood what was going on, and that there was NOTHING wrong with me.
More, there is something wrong with the world and the way we look at female desire.
Some other articles I read/wrote around this time and that really helped my understanding were:
- Emily Nagoski’s the Dirty Normal website OR buy her AMAZING book “Come as You Are”. Here’s the amazon link: it’s about £9ish but you won’t regret it.
- This AMAZING article and podcast on women and unhelpful “sex advice”. Particularly regarding the way that women are often made to feel bad or that something is wrong with them if they don’t want sex. And a brilliant critique of having “scheduled sex” to please your partner.
- Why we have sex (when you don’t fancy having it, it’s helpful to remember why others do!)
- Why changing the language about a low sex drive is really important
- What happens when you become aroused in this post I wrote recently.
- This slow burner blog post– it might help you think in a slightly different way about responsive and impulsive desire types.
- The “two origins of desire” post- this kicks off our entry into the idea that women’s sexuality is created and not passive. We often wait for our partner to turn us on… but how about turning yourself on? Foreplay begins with you first and foremost 😉
We are desperately in need of a sexual revolution that is more sex positive and centres women smack bang in, well, the centre of learning about how their bodies work.
After reading the above and reflecting for a long time about sex, I realised that although Nagoski’s theory had completely changed how I interpreted what was going on, I still felt frustrated.
I realised that I switched from impulsive to responsive as my relationship went on.
That’s fine, and NORMAL.
However, I knew that I WANTED (at least for the briefest moments in time) to have an impulsive sex drive.
For me, that embodied everything I wanted to feel about sex.
I wanted to think about sex, look forwards to it, bring it more into the forefront of my life.
I wanted to FEEL sexy, be assertive in bed, initiate it, WANT it.
Not continue being the passive, beige, bedroom doormat I currently was.
So I knew I needed to do some serious soul searching and explore how I might be able to “embody my own sexuality” (basically- find it, feel it, and express it).
So, I started by doing what Nagoski recommends and considering what my “turn off’s” were. So, hence the creation of the “unsexy list”– a milestone on the road back to libido town 🙂 take a read of that post to find out why it’s such a helpful tool.