Making time to feel sexy

For many of us, when our libido blows out we’re left feeling faded, numb, empty, and often- unsexy.

So it makes sense that getting your libido back is often about working out what makes you feel sexy, then spending time cultivating it.

That journey to getting your spark back can feel like a long one.

But it is possible to feel sexy, love our bodies, ourselves, and our sex drives again.

Read on to find out how.

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What’s the link between feeling sexy and having a good sex drive?

In this great article about “getting your sexy back”, psychiatrist Scott Haltzman, M.D., says: “One of the main reasons I’ve found that women don’t want to have sex is that they don’t feel as sexy as they used to,”. Unfortunately, feeling sexy isn’t something you can just conjure up at a moment’s notice. “Women have to transition between the mother who’s taking care of everything to the seductive wife, and that doesn’t happen in an instant,” Haltzman says. “It takes work.”

Feeling sexy is , according to some, what makes us desire sex.

So it makes sense then that if your libido has been blown out, so too have your feelings of being sexy.

Defining “sexiness”

I firmly believe that every woman needs to come up with her own definition of sexiness and what that means to her.

However, it seems universally accepted that sexiness as a feeling or an outlook is not just about the body, or looks.

Many people say that “sexiness” is the same as confidence.

Its seen as a feeling that you have about yourself that you let shine out to others.

 So why has our sexiness been dialled down?

For me, I don’t take time to practise feeling it. I assume it’s “just not me”, it’s not part of my identity.

We can be afraid of being sexy. We’re taught that it’s shameful. Too powerful. We’re taught we can buy sexy. It’s an industry, owned by diet places, women’s mags, fake tanning salons and the pornography industry.

But the truth is, we can ALL be sexy. We can ALL feel comfortable and confident in our own skin.

It begins with our self-confidence and self-worth increasing, and in particular having body love.

Once you’ve begun practising that, it’s a case of focussing on that most elusive of feelings, “sexiness” and then sprinkling that into our everyday lives.

 

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Step one: the list

Write yourself a list of ALL the things in your life make you feel sexy (if you can. If you can’t, and that instruction made you burst out laughing- or crying- don’t worry, more for you shortly).

Keep hold of it- it’ll be important later.

Many of us go straight in for the red lipstick, matching undies, landing stip, and that’s cool.

But what if I’m perfectly happy in my yoga pants, hairy legs and chipped nail varnish, thanks very much…

Of course you are. And that’s the whole point!

I’m absolutely not saying that the above isn’t sexy and that you should change.

As long as YOU feel sexy then that’s all that matters.

Note- I mean FEEL sexy. Not look sexy. There’s no particular way of looking sexy- it’s HOWEVER you want it to be.

But, what if you don’t know?

Don’t worry- I didn’t either.

If your sex drive has been extinguished, it’s often hard to feel anything at all.

My underwear draw hasn’t been revamped since 2003 for christsakes and the thought of me being sexy was laughable (until now).

So, how to find out what makes YOU feel sexy?

pexels-photo.jpgAlso, that reads you.

Not society.

Not your partner.

YOU.

If you don’t know, my advice would be to begin with what doesn’t make you feel sexy.

That’s right- because often….

it’s the absence of things that turn us off rather than the presence of what turns us on that helps boost our desire.

Really.

And getting rid of the things that dampen your desire might mean that you’re more fired up naturally.

So, take a look at your week.

  • How much of it consists of the things that don’t make you feel sexy?
  • How much of it consists of the things that do?

Then consider how you can incorporate the things that make you feel sexy, and remove/lessen the things that don’t.

For me, that meant chucking out a lot of my old holey knickers (read more about that here) and swapping my fluffy dressing gown and slippers (optimum comfort- YES! Sexiness levels- LOW) for my summery one a few times per week, and to wear bare feet more often. And it worked!

Many of the ideas aren’t going to be long-winded things around dressing up, getting a make-over or buying a whole new wardrobe. They’ll be simply be small, achievable things to slip into (or out of) your everyday.

Step two: how to sexually self-care

Once you know what does make you feel like a sexual being, hold on to it.

This is the essence of your sex drive.

Although it changes over your lifetime and depends on your tastes, situation and desires, it’s key to nail this down and begin incorporating this practise of sexuality into your week.

This is called sexual self-care, and it’s JUST as important as looking after yourself physically and emotionally.

It could be as simple as finding time to paint your nails, put matching underwear on or washing your hair, as practical as writing a to-do list, or as sensual as giving each other a massage, but the purpose of it is much deeper.

It’s to continue cultivating that part of you, deep inside, which desires sex.

It’s encouraging you to keep hold of  that feeling. Tapping into your inner goddess and keeping her alive.

The practise is cumulative- meaning the more you do this, the more feeling sexy will be your natural state of being.

 

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Step three: find yourself a sexual role model

A sexual role model is someone who you look up to and can channel their daily sexy super power into yours.

Sounds stupid right! Trust me, it’s helpful.

Mine is Dita von Teese. You can find out more about why and how I channel her here.

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Step four: Wake up your vagina

  • Do you touch yourself and give yourself pleasure when you’d like to? This is important. Book in to have a waff everyday. Let’s wake you up. Wake up your vagina.

This is one of the most important steps for feeling sexy.

It’s a step I’ve adopted from learning about chakras. There are seven chakras or energy centres in the body, and the one associated with sexuality is the sacral chakra located just underneath the naval/in line with the ovaries.

Sometimes people refer to the idea of the chalice as representing a vagina too- it’s an ancient symbol for femininity (you might recognise it from some of the Dan Brown books).

So waking your vagina up means waking up the place where your sexuality resides. And this has two parts.

  1. The first is beginning to pay attention to the whole area, your “chalice” if you like- basically a part-triangle from both of your hip bones down to your vagina. To boost your sex drive, you need to start actively waking up this area. You can do this in loads of ways but the essence is- just start moving your hips. Sway them more when you walk. Practise belly dance (there’s some great free Youtube vids), tango, rock your hips from side to side in the mirror. Maybe do some hip opening poses through yoga (numbers #4, #5, and #6 are fab and you can do them while watching TV!). Whatever you do, it should feel instinctive. Once your mind focuses in on this area, you’ll know what to do and how you want to move.

2. The second is about connecting with your actual vulva. The aim is to start noticing it in everyday life. Emily Nagoski states that men can have a higher libidio because of bio-feedback because they are reminded of sex by their genitals (aka they feel them dangling etc during the day). For us women, because our vulvas are inside, we’re less likely to have those reminders. So, we need to manufacture them ourselves!

You can do this by:

  • looking at your vagina. Up close and personal. Get to know every part of it. It genuinely will help!
  • doing kegels. These exercises will not only help you with childbirth and later life, but the actual activity itself will help you focus your attention on your vulva and increase your connection and sensation. To find out more about using kegels to turn yourself on, click here.
  • If you’re feeling brave you could always go for a clitoral hood piercing (ouch!)- which can apparently increase sexual desire because of the increased sensitivity. (Note- I didn’t try this myself so can’t guarantee it works- always consult a doctor for advice if you’re unsure)
  • The final, most important tip to reconnect with your fanwa is to start touching yourself. If you really want to boost your sex drive, have a waff everyday for a week. The more you have it, the more you’ll want it, and it’s a great way to fire up the engine for sex with a partner. Don’t worry if you have no desire to touch yourself either- this is normal too.

 

I hope you’ve found these tips helpful on feeling sexy and incorporating these ideas into your everyday.

You might also be interested in the other areas around self-care and making time for sex.

Love love,

L

xx

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