Is that a crack in the ceiling?
Damn, I forgot milk.
I wonder if my bum’s jiggling while he thrusts?
It’s easy to be sidetracked when you’re starting foreplay or whilst having sex. Your brain wanders, and it becomes hard to get into the moment or get turned on.
We’ve likely all been there at times.
But for some of us, this inability to focus and enjoy sex becomes chronic, and we get stuck into a pattern where we can’t relax and lose ourselves in the pleasure.
This is mirrored by science!
In a study of 40 years of research on women with low desire, it was found that: “negative thoughts play a key role in women’s sexual dysfunction: They distract women from erotic stimulation, produce anxiety and guilt, and diminish sexual arousal and pleasure.”
If this is you, there are a number of things you can do to combat the so called “monkey mind” and stay in the room and in the mood:
1. Learn more about anxiety and sex
In my experience, anxiety has a cancelling effect on the libido because it makes it hard to stay focussed, relax into sex and increases your inner critic.
There is a huge cross over between the ability to stay present during sex and how anxious you feel, so take a look at the section about anxiety on this site.
Particularly the focus on female performance anxiety.
I’d also really recommend checking out these four articles that have some genuinely great tips for how to relax and stop getting distracted in bed
- Nylon.com- how to focus during sex
- UncoveringIntimacy.com- 13 ways to be present during sex
- Bustle.com- Here’s how to focus during sex
- Lifehacker- how to stop getting so damn distracted during sex
2: Learn to become vulnerable during sex
It’s hard to lose yourself during sex and totally give over to pleasure if you aren’t used to being present. Read this article about losing yourself and becoming vulnerable during sex for plenty of practical tips and ideas,
3: Lessen your busyness
Being busy is a killer for sex drives, and sex deserves to have priority on your to-do list. Check out the section on making time for sex for ideas on how to easily incorporate sex into your everyday.
Mindfulness is also a great help to try and calm down and just enjoy being in the present moment. HeadSpace are a great app to try that instructs you how to meditate, as well as this great post from Romantic Isa about how to do mindfulness and the impact on her sex life.
4: Create a focus on now.
Make noise. Listen to music. Move your body.
Sex involves sensuality, and there’s nothing more “present” than being in tune with your body (or your partners) through touch, taste, smell, touch and hearing. And this can be cultivated at every opportunity. Read more about how to engage your senses and your body to find out why this is so important.