There is a really rather large open secret to improving your sex drive.
And once you know it, it’s simple…
*Puts on sandwich board and loudhailer, prepares to walk around screaming this from top of lungs for the benefit of all women around the world*
It’s not really about turning on your sex drive at all.
Rather, it’s about turning off what turns it off.*
Learning about yourself and what things impact on your desire to have sex, as well as how to counter them, is the best defence you have against a low sex drive.
*from the teachings of the great Emily Nagoski
What I’ve learned:
Through experiencing a complete lack of libido, and then finding it again, I’ve realised that our sex drives are fluid.
They’re constantly shifting, changing, responding to our lives like the tide and the shore.
So it’s common and normal to have waves of higher and lower levels of desire throughout our lives, depending on what’s happening for us at the time, or on the night.
But, the more knowledge you can gain about what turns off your desire, the quicker you can get it back.
What turns off desire?
There are seven main desire thieves I’ve discovered that dampen your libido, and when one of these areas falls out of balance, the trick is to learn how to resolve it and gain back your libido.
Because your sex drive isn’t really like a car at all. It’s more like a bicycle (although that’s not as sexy an analogy).
You don’t need to put your foot on the accelerator, but rather release the brake. Then, as long as the sex is pleasurable and enjoyable, you’ll start freewheeling- you don’t need anything else to get you going.
How to get back your sex drive
Firstly, sex needs to be pleasurable, relaxing, exciting and stress-relieving for us to desire it.
If we don’t feel close to our partners, it hurts, feels uncomfortable, doesn’t feel good or is a source of stress/worry for you, that’s a VERY good reason as to why you don’t want it.
So ignore ANY advice that tells you to add sex to your to-do list or “just do it” (aka Duty Sex), because more bad or stressful sex is going to encourage a cycle of low desire.
Instead, I urge you- listen to your body.
A low libido is trying to tell you that something is out of balance, whether that’s your health, your relationship, the sex you’re having, your lifestyle or something else.
It’s our very own barometer to finding our way back to our sexual selves.
So to recover it, begin by using the sex drive improvement wheel to help you figure out what’s impacting on your desire.
Sex should never be something we add to a to-do list, feel obliged or duty obligated to do if we don’t feel like it.
We’d never add kissing our partner to a to-do list, so why do we do this with sex?
Instead, we CAN repair that desire through looking at whats impacting on it, cultivating your ability to work out what’s turning you off, and increase the things that turn you on.
So, there we go friends- there is hope, and you aren’t alone.
Reject duty sex- it’s shit.
Join the community- you’re here, we’re listening.
And spark your desire girl!
Note: I am not a doctor, sexual health professional or therapist so please consult an expert before undertaking the guidance on this blog. Cheers!