OK, this is definitely a tough one.
It can feel a little scary, overwhelming, or even relieving, if you’ve found yourself here.
Maybe you’re worried you’re not attracted to your partner, or perhaps you know you definitely aren’t.
So, now what?
This was kind of sort of me, and I felt so worried that this meant THE END.
But I’d like to being with saying, doubts and worries are totally normal.
I didn’t believe this to begin with, but this is a great article that normalises it. And that’s OK.
Of course we’ll all go through life at times, not feeling 100% about our partners. I’d argue doubt is normal.
Intimate relationships are often the only relationships in our lives in which we’ve made solemn vows or social commitments to remain with this person forever until death do we part. That’s pretty intense!
Times also change, and so do people. So the person you met at the beginning of the relationship is likely a little (or a lot different!) after you’ve settled in, created routines, got to know them, let down your guard, and you’ve created more closeness through moving in, getting married, having children etc.
I realised that the key thing to define is:
Are your feelings are about your partners emotional or physical unattractiveness?
Resentment, frustration, hurt or anger can all make our partners seem less attractive to us, whereas when we’re lighthearted, close, laughing, we might see them in their best light.
I’d suggest, if it’s both, to begin with what’s going on emotionally between you and try to resolve that, before you consider your partners physical attraction, as this may change the closer you get.
For me, distance between the two of us had opened up some rifts, which I realised was the cause of my perceived unattraction to my partner.
So melting the ice between us involved learning better conflict resolution, new ways to communicate, and reducing the space that might be the cause of or caused by my low sex drive (see increasing warmth and affection).
P.S. if you’ve stumbled across this, you might like to check out the relationship patterns and habits guide to your sex drive here.