For many women, the reason for their loss of sex drive is linked to a loss of connection to their sexual self.
Maybe some women never had the opportunity to embrace or explore this aspect of their identity (this was totally me!). often because of poor sex education, societal ideas about sex or selfish partners.
For others, maybe years of being in the same relationship/doing the same things in bed has meant a sense of forgetting who they are or how to summon their sexual energy.
Or maybe even both!
A loss of connection to your sexual self feels like:
- Passive, empty, lost, numb, disempowered
- Sex is something done to, on or with you
- The work of sex is left to your partner- you go along with their needs, wants and desires rather than voicing your own
- Maybe partners have taken advantage of you in the past
The following are the most common ways that women find they’ve lost touch with their sexuality:
- We don’t know how we work: our sex education often lacks exploration and information around women’s physical parts, how our sex drives work, or how to give and recieve pleasure. This MASSIVELY impacts on desire, especially for us women, because
we often misunderstand how our libido’s work, including having the illusion that desire is activated by our partners. If we’re not aware of how we work, or we wait for a partner to show us, we’re missing out on great sex! And if sex doesn’t feel good, we’re less likely to want it…. leading to a low sex drive.
We don’t know how (or we’re afraid) to take responsibility for our pleasure: as women, we’re actively discouraged to really embrace our sexual selves. Throughout the ages ideas of female sexuality, power and pleasure have been disregarded, hidden- even feared- by society. Even now, the most powerful sexually expressive and parts of ourselves- our breasts, hips, vulvas, thighs and asses- are the focus of gossip columns, online hate, unwanted touch, even corrective surgery. We’re called “sluts” if we do, or “frigid” if we don’t. So it’s no wonder that many women want to make themselves feel smaller, dim their sexual energy, and shy awake from feeling like they fully inhabit their bodies, minds, and sexual power. Sex and pleasure become male domains, and we put our desires on the back seat.
We don’t know what we want! SO many women just don’t know what they like or want in bed. They’ve never explored it, never been asked, or over time they’ve lost touch with their desires. Not knowing what you want (or don’t want) mean sex is always going to be about centring your partners pleasure- not yours. Meaning you’re less likely to want sex in the long run, because it just doesn’t feel that great…
We struggle to ask for what we want– if you’ve worked out the above (or even a teency bit of what you like) telling a partner where we like to be touched or about our fantasies can be easier said than done. Maybe you’re shy, embarassed or just have no idea how to start. But if we’re not asking for what we want, sex might feel empty, boring or just unsatisfying. And our desire for it might decrease as time goes on….
Our bodies and minds feel closed down to sexual energy- men have a penis that flaps around in the breeze, which means they’re reminded of their sexuality every time they get a hard on. This is called “bio-feedback”. But because women don’t have this visual/physical reminder, it takes more conscious work for us to feel we’re fully connected to our own sexuality. Over time if we don’t consciously check-in, our bodies may become less aware of sexual arousal triggers because we’re so used to being lost in our thoughts or not used to seeing our bodies in a sexual way. This leaves us with a mind that is closed to desire, and/or a body that is numb to it.
The Art of Sexual Self-Empowerment
The antidote to not having developed a sense of sexual identity, or knowing who you are and what you want in bed, is to learn “the art of sexual self-empowerment”.
Click here for a passport to becoming more sexually empowered in bed and for an instruction manual to finding and embracing your sexual self.