Sex is a time where our senses are supposedly the most engaged.
We’re experiencing heightened sensitivity, pleasure, endorphins, connection.
So if you can’t get focussed, stay present, feel sensual, and enjoy sex ultimately the sensations can’t reach their peak.
It can feel horrible when your body is in the room but your mind is spiralling out of control.
Is that a crack in the ceiling?
Damn, I forgot milk.
I wonder if my bum’s jiggling while he thrusts?
And it’s a definite way to dampen desire.
We’ve likely all been there at times.
But for some of us, this inability to focus and enjoy sex becomes chronic, and we get stuck into a pattern where we can’t relax and lose ourselves in the pleasure.
This is mirrored by science!
In a study of 40 years of research on women with low desire, it was found that: “negative thoughts play a key role in women’s sexual dysfunction: They distract women from erotic stimulation, produce anxiety and guilt, and diminish sexual arousal and pleasure.”
If this is you- this was also me- there are a number of things you can do to combat the so called “monkey mind” and stay in the room and in the mood.
Here’s what I did:
1. Learn more about anxiety, stress and sex
In my experience, anxiety has a cancelling effect on the libido because it makes it hard to stay focussed, relax into sex and increases your inner critic.
There is a huge cross over between the ability to stay present during sex and how anxious you feel, so take a look at the section about mood and wellbeing- especially the parts about stress and anxiety, multi-tasking, as well as the section on making time for sex on this site.
2. Look at minimising the multi-tasking
As I explain in this post, although multi-tasking is seen as a desirable skill, it could also be stealing our ability to feel pleasure.
3: Try mindfulness
Mindfulness really is key to just being able to enjoy being in the present moment. Check out this post on “sex and mindfulness” to understand more about the benefits, what it is, and how you can practise it to improve your sex drive. This really is a super method to improving pleasure!
I’d love to hear from you in the comments below- how do you practise staying in the moment?
I’d also really recommend checking out these four articles that have some genuinely great tips for how to relax and stop getting distracted in bed