Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new. — Ursula K. Le Guin
Your relationship is like the house in which your sex drive lives, because our relationships and how we feel within them can have a huge impact on our desire.
Resentment, lack of affection outside the bedroom, not feeling safe, lack of communication or unresolved conflict can really impact on how close we feel towards our partners, and therefore our willingness to shag them.
We can get stuck in patterns we haven’t noticed or can’t see around initiation and rejection, so as we continue in the relationship a low sex drive can CAUSE issues as well as be a result of them. So we get stuck into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Trust me, I know this because I’ve literally had every road bump along the way on this one.
And I’ve realised that there are a few smaller issues hiding under this category that can all wreak havoc and rob us of our sexual attraction or want for sex:
- Lack of warmth or affection between partners: feeling cold towards your partner, because of unresolved conflict, anger, resentment, hurt, misunderstanding, or a general lack of affection outside of the bedroom, can lead to problems within the bedroom. For many women, their desire doesn’t exist within a vacuum and (who’d have thought it?) often how they feel about their partner governs how much they might like to have sex with them.
- No attraction towards your partner: this one probably isn’t rocket science. For many of us, sex requires attraction, and without this element we might be robbed of our desire. All isn’t lost though- often this is so closely tied to warmth and affection that increasing the former can impact on the latter.
- Your partner not *really* knowing how to turn you on: This is arguably the most widespread desire thief of all women everywhere. The golden rule is: if sex doesn’t feel pleasurable, it’s not going to inspire you to want it. So, after your new sex education you might feel more confident to teach your partner to make you feel great. This includes how he/she can initiate sex, and turn you on!
I found that it feels easier to work on and change ourselves rather than change our relationship, because it involves talking to the other person (eek!) and often making yourself vulnerable.
We might feel like the only thing we do have control over is ourselves, and trying to understand another feels less of an ask than inviting them to understand us too.
Remember relationships take two, and if there are issues above you’ll need to work as a team to resolve them. This means communication, honesty, and vulnerability.
For me, my relationship was one of the bigger issues I needed to sort out, mainly because there was a lot to cover and particular issues that needed to be addressed. These ranged from me having the confidence to talk it through to even sorting the issues that me having a low sex drive had created. It was long!
But pulling your sleeves up and indulging in some relationship DIY is one of the best things you can do to increase your closeness to your partner. I found it softened us towards each other, meaning I was more likely to do nice things for him (and eventually want to give him pleasure) which was hugely missing before.