As women, we often taught to believe it’s our fault that we have a low sex drive.
Common societal messaging suggests us women don’t like sex as much as men, we lose interest as a relationship grows older, we’re broken if our desire wanes….
We don’t often look at the actual sex itself (that we’re currently having, or past sex) to consider how we experience(d) it and whether it meets our needs.
Because the golden rule is: if sex doesn’t feel pleasurable, it’s not going to inspire you to want it.
There are two areas to this section- one about the sex itself and how it might not feel great, and the other about how sex can become linked with expectation, pressure and conflict. Read on for more!
This is a HUGE category and one that is often overlooked.
If the sex is nothing to write home about, or it doesn’t serve a function (e.g. fun, relaxation, pleasure) then it’s unlikely its adding much to our lives.
If sex takes more than it replenishes, why would we seek it out?
- Sex has become predictable or samey
- You just can’t stay present during sex- your thoughts wander too much
- There’s no build up- seduction is rare/non-existent
- You’re not happy with the duration
- Sex just doesn’t feel good- it hurts, its uncomfortable, its stressful
- Your partner has no clue about how to turn you on, or what women want from sex
- There’s a lack of effort in making sex special
If there is a mismatch in desire between a couple, very often sex (or the lack of it) has become a point of tension and conflict.
You might dread any kind of sign of initiation of sex from your partner, because you know that saying “no” again will cause an argument.
Or you’ll have to “give in”, when you really don’t fancy sex at all tonight.
Over time, even an innocent kiss or hug becomes associated with guilt, pressure, rejection…. so you avoid their embraces, push their hands away, shuffle to the edge of the sofa.
And the gulf between you widens.
A low sex drive in this sense can be both a cause of distance between you, as well as a consequence of it.
For the partner with the low sex drive, constantly avoiding sex or bowing to pressure to perform, means you’ve lost all control over your sex life. And this is one of the most dis-empowering cycles to be stuck in.
Luckily, there are some really simple techniques and tips to try to break this cycle and take control over your sex life- and ultimately sparking your desire.