Too many demands on your time+lack of sleep=a low sex drive.
It’s not hard maths, but it’s a biological truth.
Sometimes we just don’t have time for sex (or to get ready for sex) because we have so many competing priorities.
Anyone with young children knows that your sex life can suffer simply because you’re so tired from lack of sleep and caring for a little human that sex is literally the last thing you want.
A demanding week can leave you feeling frazzled, and the thought of doing the things that get you feeling ready for sex (e.g. shaving your legs, brushing your hair, tidying the house- not that you need to do any of these things mind!) feels exhausting- let alone the actual bonking. So you feel completely mentally and physically unprepared for sex.
Equally, a busy period at work, a bereavement, moving house or any number of life events can cause us to feel stressed out.
And our desire plummets.
It comes to the end of the day, sex is inevitably the last thing on our to-do list, and we’re just too exhausted or can’t attempt to get going- because it feels like effort.
And this pattern becomes a cycle in which sex just isn’t a priority.
The good news?
This IS TOTALLY NORMAL AND OK.
Our natural response to stress, busyness, lack of sleep and time is to close down our desire.
So a lack of desire is a natural response to a busy and/or demanding lifestyle. Often there are many myths around sex that make us feel we “should” be having sex more, or that pressure us into feeling like everyone else is bonking like rabbits.
But the bad news?
There is no quick fix solution I can give you if there’s no time in your life for sex.
I think you already know this. It’s not rocket science.
YOU have to decide you WANT a good sex drive, and commit to improving it.
I realised this early on- you can read more about the stages I went through here to see if this resonates with you?
And that commitment means…
- Dedicating time to take care of yourself
- Spending time understanding your sex drive, and particularly the impact of stress (reading this blog is a great start!)
- Carving out the time to reconnect to your sexuality
- Figuring out what conditions make you feel up and ready for sex (and which ones don’t!)
- And bringing sex back up your priority list by giving it the time it deserves
Below are some ways that I attempted to make more time for sex and re-configure my priorities. I hope they help you as much as they’ve helped me!
Watch for warning signs
I had an epiphany one day with this one warning sign which might be letting you know all along that there’s a problem!
2. Think about how to reframe sex
If sex feels like a mega chore (and doing it for doing it’s sake isn’t enough to motivate you), read this blog on seven ways to reframe sex so it becomes essential to your everyday wellbeing for more advice on why looking after yourself is worth it (and what sex can do for you!). These were ways in which I began to consider how important sex really is- and I will someday get a sandwich board and scream this with a bell on the pavements of the UK- SEX IS NOT ONLY ABOUT THE MAN’S PLEASURE. I also love this article about making sure you prioritise it for you, not your partner.
3. Get some sleep!
It’s restorative! Because we’re all working, socialising, worrying about money, raising children, when is there even time for sleep let alone sex? Sleep is your friend, and sleep means you’ll be more perky and in the mood for sex when it happens.
Allow yourself time to sleep- go to bed earlier if you need to, get a babysitter and just snooze out. Do what you need to do to get those priceless ZZZs.
Read more here about WHY sleep is so important, and how without it, your sex drive will naturally shut down.
4. Figure out what turns you off
A great way of doing this is to look at your lifestyle and consider all of the things that make you feel unsexy or that turn off your sex drive. Although many of these are more sexual related, you might find something about your routine or lifestyle can be reduced that will have a great impact on your sex drive.
5. Put your relationship on the agenda- not sex.
Re-prioritising sex doesn’t necessarily involve scheduling in sex, or “just doing it”.
Read my opinion on scheduling sex here (TLDR: I think it’s terrible advice).
We don’t want *more* bad sex. We want good quality, even if the frequency still isn’t something you’re both happy with.
It’s only going to be good if it feels good and you actually want to have it.
Instead of scheduling in actual sex, instead either schedule in time to think about sex, or use the time you’ve planned in as a date night. Think intimacy instead of full on sex. Your libido is like a boiler- if you keep it on low all of the time (and fuel it through kisses, cuddles, closeness) it’ll be more likely to be ready to fire up when you need it.
6. Sex before breakfast?
Often we can’t be bothered to have sex because we’re doing it at the end of everyday when we’re knackered.
So if you really want to prioritise it, try it at different times!
Do it before brekkie, in the middle of the day, early evening- basically any time you want (BUT ONLY WHEN YOU WANT TO) except at the end of the day.
7. Be Mindful
I knew that learning how to bring down my day from crazy, hectic and adrenaline spiked-coffee fuelled chaos to a calm, relaxed state where I was in tune with my body and environment was going to be important. So I looked how to become more present during sex (and in all areas of my life). This proved marvellous, as you’ll discover if you click the links.
Hopefully that’s been helpful. Do you have any tips to share for how to reduce stress, make more time and re-prioritise sex?