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Cystitis: the post-sex curse that makes you reconsider ever having sex again when you’ve had a bad bout.

Also known as a UTI (urinary tract infection), having cystitis can really put a dampener on your sex plans.

If you haven’t had it before, it basically feels like the Victoria Falls are hurtling down from your bladder and you can feel the weight and are ready to spring a leak of thousands of gallon of liquid…. but it never comes out.

It burns, it stings, you piss a tiny drop and it feels like you’re Jesus performing a small miracle.

You whoop for joy at the mercy you’ve been shown, pull your pants up and with a renewed sense of hope take three steps away from the cubicle before an overwhelming, life threatening urge to pee comes over you. Then you’re doing a sort-of sideways hobble-dash across the room and back to toilet hovering.

There are 5 commonly acknowledged stages to cystitis:

  1. The pee panic- you can feel the pee burning down your urethra franklin and go into PANIC mode
  2. Downing sachets like a mo’fo and drinking cranberry juice in streams in an attempt to cut it off at the pass
  3. Praying that it’ll go away/rocking back and forwards on the toilet crying as the litre bottle of Evian turns into one droplet that felt like giving birth
  4. Peeing again and the relief is like sweet sweet music to your ears
  5. Screaming at your partner never to double dip again the next time you have sex

If you have it, I’m coming round armed with bicarbonate of soda and some cranberry juice stat girlfriend.

All I can say is, it gives the phrase “winter is coming” a new meaning.

Cystitis and sex

The thought of sex when you have cystitis can be, frankly, horrifying because:

  • Peeing blood is never fun
  • if you’ve got it, it leaves you feeling like you’d rather be hung drawn and quartered than have a penis anywhere near your vagina ever again because sex can hurt, and you just can’t be more than 5 steps away from the loo
  • Some people suffer from recurring cystitis which is misery incarnated

Because cystitis is often caused by sex and smushing about downstairs between holes (eew),so once you’ve had it, it leaves a lasting mental scar and sex seems a less attractive option. This is where the impact on your sex drive comes in.

The cure?

Its always worth consulting a medical professional if you have a bout of cystitis.

Sometimes antibiotics are needing, others swear by specific cystitis relief sachets or cranberry juice.

Whatever works for you, cystitis is (usually) a temporary thing so hopefully your sex drive should bounce back when you feel better.

If you’re feeling anxious about sex in future, apparently a preventative measure is to always pee after sex.

Have you ever had cystitis, and how has this impacted on your sex drive?