Do you know Layla Martin? If you don’t already, you should.
She’s an amazing American sex therapist that writes and vlogs about sexual empowerment. And her latest video, “7 Ways to re-ignite passion in a low sex relationship” is a great resource for those of us struggling with our desire.
In her video she explores 7 ways in which you can improve your libido.
Some of them you may already know (e.g. the importance of communication) however she explores them in such a sweet way this vid is definitely worth a watch!
It’s also so helpful and validating to know that as a sex therapist and all round empowered woman she also experiences periods of low desire just as we do, and the feelings of shame that accompany it.
However, what struck me most (and what you NEVER hear people exploring), is the idea that your sex drive can suffer because sometimes we find it’s easier to show your wild side to someone you know very little than someone that you love.
The idea is that the more commitment, trust and intimacy grows in your relationship, the more fear we have of intimacy.
Sounds crazy, but Layla insists most people don’t even realise they’re scared of intimacy.
However it makes sense- the more we connect with someone, the deeper the fear we have of sexually surrendering to them and making ourselves vulnerable.
Inevitably, the stakes are higher because we have more to lose if they walk away.
And so, avoiding vulnerability during sex might mean we take less risks or act less wild in order to hold onto them.
We fear rejection- of our partner being disgusted by us, laughing at us, or judging us. During sex we’re at our most vulnerable, and to avoid this risk of being abandoned we shut down the possibilities that could be awaiting us and instead avoid sexual authenticity.
But the wildness and risks are what cultivates novelty, variety and ultimately authentic experience.
It’s not necessarily about having a deep connection with who you’re having sex with but rather allowing them to see you in a state of openness and vulnerability which creates great sex.
And the solution (according to Layla?)
Creating honesty and space with your partner where you can explore this “resistance to sex and intimacy”.
P.S. Do you ever feel more shy with a long term partner than with a one-off lover?