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Do you *really* know what turns you on?

If you do know, you’re one step ahead of me.

I felt totally vanilla, totally idiotic, totally numb on this part.

Because, if you’d have asked me to describe my fantasy or what turns me on to you a few months ago, you’d have got nada.



Honestly, this is how I felt:


This is because as women we’re often sold a very narrow story about what sex is, and what we SHOULD want. So many of us have NO CLUE about what we want, what feels good, or where to begin. 

Many women are also often focused outwardly because we are socialised to nurture and care- our attention is on our children, partners, families not ourselves. So spending time getting to know ourselves and looking inwards feels foreign to us, or we just don’t have the time!

Sex might have also become about pleasing an unhappy partner rather than satisfying your own desires, so what you want and need may have played a backseat role for so long that you’re not sure what you want anymore.

This has one of the biggest impacts on desire, as if you don’t know what turns you on, sex is unlikely to be mind-blowing because it won’t be exactly what you want.

And you don’t know, how will your partner? So figuring out what turns you on is a fantastic place to start.

How to find out what turns you on.

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So, let’s begin with a basic principle.


Sexual desire is a subjective feeling, triggered by both internal and external things.

There are lots of random fetishes out there- people are turned on by trees, light bulbs, the smell of almonds…. Its every woman for herself when it comes to what does get you going!

But, there are some things that we all have in common.

So to begin with, for all of us to feel desire there is normally some kind of “erotic stimuli”….. or in laymans terms, something that gets our juices flowing.

Different things that could stimulate us are:

  • Fantasy/thought/memory (of someone attractive, a steamy sex session, a specific body part that you like, an object that you like the thought of)
  • Pictures/image/video (this could be pornography, or maybe a sext from your partner)
  • Smell (maybe aftershave, suntan lotion, pheromones)
  • Taste (chocolate, cum, strawberries, lube, strawberry lube- take your pic!)
  • Music (Barry White anyone?)
  • Physical stimulation/touch
  • A flurry of hormones

Where to begin?

It can feel a bit overwhelming to try and pin point what does turn you on.

However- I’ve created a worksheet that can help! Check out the sidebar of this post (or in the free resources section) and you’ll see a workbook called “The Ultimate Guide To Knowing What You Want in Bed”.

It’ll take you through everything you need to figure out what feels good for you in bed. Think of this as your sexual anchor, it’ll keep you grounded if you ever lose yourself again.


The next place I’d recommend you check out is learning more about the importance of seduction and your seduction style, and especially what your erotic blueprint is.

You can read my blog post on this here– trust me, it’s a huge eye opener!


Next, there’s this fab quiz by The Intimacy Coach called “What turns you on: the erotica test“.

I’d also advise the downloadable resource created by the wonderful Irene Fehr available here that you can fill in as you work out more of what you like and what feels good.

The GOOD SEX also has a ton of resources on  working out what you want- in life, love and in bed. Check out Alison’s site for more information and resources to help.

A great article from Relate here too on “how to discover what actually turns you on”.

Claudia Melli also recommends journalling as a way to record your desires as you explore this area of your life. Buy yourself a beautiful new diary and start writing down what turns you on and what you find out about yourself as you begin this amazing journey into your sexuality.

Working this out is a lifelong but also really exciting process.

Your likes and dislikes will change across your lifetime, between partners, with partners, and in response to what’s going on in your life.

It’s a GREAT journey to go on and I hope you enjoy the process as much as the end goal, because this is what makes you YOU.

If you feel a bit more confident about what you do like, it might be useful to head on over to this post about what’s holding you back from speaking out about what you want?