I’ve spend the last three years figuring out what the f*ck to do about a low sex drive.

There’s not much out there to help, unless you count quick-fix articles about how drinking sex coffee can help (it doesn’t!) or how broccoli is a recommended aphrodisiac (it really really isn’t!).

So instead, I decided to help myself. 

I followed the three steps below which ultimately led me back to my sex drive (and I discovered a whole host of amazing things along the way). I hope this works for you, and would love love love to hear how your journey is going….

Step One: Understand how desire works

There are SO MANY myths, mis-truths and just general misinformation about female desire. So there are four posts dedicated to taking you on a magical mystery tour into helping you understand how desire works.

1.  Understanding desire part one: (a general introduction to desire and the difference between “responsive” and “impulsive” desire)

2. Understanding desire part two: (about your sexual accelerators and brakes. Intrigued yet?)

3. Understanding desire part three: the problem with “diagnosing” low sexual desire

4. This post 🙂

Step Two: Explore the Desire Map

The desire map is a visual exploration tool I’ve created to help you:

  • find a language to talk about low libido
  • to see how all of the factors that shape desire intersect with one another
  • and to identify the areas that are affecting your desire in order to help find it again

Step Three: Take Your Foot Off The Brake

The vast majority of advice, tips and sites dedicated to improving your libido are about turning you on more.

Dirty weekends in Bognor, sticking on a naughty film, going on a spending spree in Ann Summers.

We all know the advice. 

And although for some of us this can help rev our engines, for others these strategies feel about as useful as tits on a snake.

However.

There’s one really rather large secret to improving your sex drive.

And that’s because it’s not really about turning you on at all.

Rather, it’s about turning OFF whats turning you off.

Let me explain….

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This idea comes from Emily Nagoski and her amazing work on understanding our sexual accelerators (what turns us on) and our sexual brakes (what turns us off). You can read more about them here

She suggests that if our sexual brake is down as hard as it can be, no amount of accelerator pressing (e.g. butt plugs/dirty weekends in Bognor/candles/porn) is going to get us off.

So the key instead?

Take your foot off the brake and start to get rid of or reduce the impact of the things that are turning you off.

Whether it’s lack of time, exhaustion, issues within our relationship, or just crappy sex that you’ve been having, the more you can understand what’s putting the stoppers on your sexy time the better.

For many women there is usually a wide range of factors that are impacting on her desire. 

From the stories she holds about sex and relationships, the contraceptives she is using, her mental well-being to her history and experiences with sex, all of these areas are woven together and interrelate to create her current levels of desire.

So the solution to transforming her sex drive needs to be holistic- exploring the interplay between the many different individual and unique factors that form our levels of sexual desire.

And often, the thing that causes our libido to dip in the first place isn’t what ends up sustaining it. 

So the key to helping her get back her sex drive is to empower her to examine how these factors interplay and relate to one another, leaving her with a deep understanding of herself and her libido, and a new relationship forged with her desire.  

Ready to take the first step? 

Everyone is different and the solution to finding your desire will depend on what factors are closing it down. 

Often it’s more than one issue, and what caused it isn’t always what ends up keeping it low. 

A great place to begin is to explore the blog and click the categories/tags that relate to your experience. 

You CAN do this. 

Take a breath, believe in yourself, and know you are worth this journey. 

You have the power to change your life, and a better sex drive awaits. 

Good luck!