A few months ago, I let you know I had decided against personal posts about myself on this blog because instead, I was aiming for it to be a resource site for all women.
But in doing so I realised I’ve let myself, and you, down.
Let me explain.
I wanted this site to be the kind of space I needed when my libido was at its lowest.
I imagined it would be a powerful collection of the best resources and tips on the internet, so that a woman in my situation didn’t need to spend hours desperately searching with tears streaming down her face, feeling alone and broken.
I wanted it all here, with links to different resources, therapists, ideas for help and theories that anyone could use to help find their own path back to their desire.
In my mind, it wasn’t about me.
It was about all of you.
So I took myself out of the blog and depersonalised it- filling it with “how to” posts, theories and facts, science and studies.
But the biggest irony is, I’ve realised that this is, in fact, all about me.
What I wanted that night three long years ago, when I shied away from speaking to my friend because I was ashamed to tell her that I felt broken, was realness.
What I didn’t want, as I googled “how to get my libido back” with a deadening sense of emptiness, was yet another medicalised website that reeled off the reasons why I didn’t want sex in an emotionless bullet point list that left me feeling sad and hopeless.
I wanted to know I was human, that I wasn’t alone.
To hear validation that I wasn’t damaged goods.
To see my experiences reflected back in the words and emotions of another.
To find the courage to believe that I would recover.
And most importantly, I wanted to pick up the thread that would lead me through the maze and back to myself and my desire.
So I set about creating this site to speak to that need. They say you teach what you needed to learn, right? And I’m really proud of what I’ve created!
But this morning on my way to work, on the beautiful cobbled Camden street where I trudge to avoid the busy main road, I walked, deep in thought, and I realised something that I’ve missed all this time.
To blog is to have the courage to lay your soul bare and truly express yourself in an authentic, heartfelt way.
This is much the same as sex.
And the ironic thing is that I am not doing either.
Like a ton of self-help bricks hitting me, I realised that what is stopping me from having sex is also stopping me from being a good blogger.
Because I am not being authentic.
We live in a world where everything feels polished and pristine, and I’ve felt pressure to want to present myself as having my shit together. As being sexually empowered. As living the sex life of my dreams.
I don’t feel genuine because I’m not there yet. My posts sometimes feel like these empty dispassionate lists or medical sites- because I’ve not truly put myself and my experiences and emotions into them.
I want to empower other women, and yet my words feel empty because they’re built like castles on sand.
The thing is- that’s OK.
It takes courage, and insight, to admit to yourself where you are really at.
And I’ve realised that I’m struggling to put my experiences into the blog and make it the space I always wanted it to be because I’m still struggling with how to be myself.
Looking (and I mean really looking!) at your sex life and figuring out all of the array of pieces to be put back together seems a small(ish) task, but in fact it requires you to face up to almost every area of your life.
Patterns in the bedroom are oft repeated outside of it and with a low sex drive, often what caused it isn’t what ends up sustaining it.
It’s like a chameleon, and I’ve realised I am still chasing this creature through my history, relationships, character and belief systems to figure how I personally can escape this lack of desire.
I still need to work on stress, anxiety, being authentic, giving away my power, boundaries, speaking up…. the list goes on.
And although I can talk about what answers, tips, tricks and information I have found confidently, those I haven’t escape me and it’s hard to talk about being sexually authentic or empowered with any passion or conviction- as I’m just not there.
My wish is to be a sex coach, and I’m saving up to do the training for when I’m where I want to be. I long to be this sexually empowered woman that can give others the map of how to arrive at this sunny destination.
Currently, this I can only dream about.
So until I feel like I really am living my values, I promise to only write about what I DO know until I reach that point.
The best bloggers speak from experience and from personal mastery. Its a fine line to tread to know when you’ve filled up your own cup enough to share with others, so please bear with me whilst I also walk this road to my own sexual empowerment.
I will leave the blog as is, with the current information posts etc, and I may leave them there always so that others can follow my path wherever they are at too. However, new posts will “start at the beginning” (as all good stories do) and I will speak my truth and will always be real- and be true to what it was that I needed, all those years ago.
Its important to know that none of us are perfect, we’re all just trying to find our way as best we can. The most important thing, if you’re on this journey too, is that you keep going, don’t stop, and always hope for better for yourself.
In love and truthfulness,