Sometimes, a MAJOR reason behind a low sex drive is that we’re experiencing a disconnect from our sexual selves.
Maybe some women never had the opportunity to embrace or explore this aspect of their identities (this was totally me!).
Poor sex education coupled with damaging messages about women’s sexuality can leave us unsure about what we want in bed, too ashamed to ask, or too shy or unequipped to focus on our own pleasure.
For others, maybe years of being in the same relationship doing the same things in bed has meant we’re bored, under-stimulated, lazy. Sex has lost its excitement, and we’ve lost touch with our naughty side.
And often with a lack of desire comes a sense of forgetting (or never knowing!) who we are in bed, the joy and pleasure of making love, and our minds and bodies become numb to our own sexual energy.
The following are ways that indicate we might be experiencing a disconnect from our sexual self. Click each one for more information, or to go straight to tips on how to reconnect to your sexuality click here.
The simple truth is that we’re not taught about sex PROPERLY.
Our sex education often lacks exploration and information around pleasure and this impacts massively on desire, especially for us women, because we’re often under the illusion that desire is activated by our partners.
If we’re not aware of how we work, or we wait for a partner to show us, we’re missing out on great sex! And if sex doesn’t feel good, we’re less likely to want to partake in it, leading to a low sex drive.
So click below to find out more about why not taking responsibility for your own pleasure is linked to low libido.
The things that put you off sex are known as your “sexual brakes”- the things that close down your desire.
Not having a level of awareness about what factors turn you off can indicate that you’ve either never had a chance to explore this for yourself, or perhaps you and your tastes have changed over the years and it’s time to revisit them.
Click below to find out more about how to identify the things that are putting a hold on your sex life and why it’s important to pinpoint these if you want a great sex drive.
If you’re really starting from scratch with this, you might never have had the opportunity to know what turns you on!
Or, never dedicated the time or space to really thinking about it.
Or, maybe your taste has changed over time and now you’re unsure of what you want or want to explore different avenues.
But not knowing what turns you on can be really problematic- how can any of us have great sex if we don’t know what feels good?
So, this section is essential reading for anyone keen on increasing their desire but not having a fig on what even gets them hot under the collar.
Click below for unique tip, tricks and tools for help to identify the things that bring you sexual pleasure, including knowing what kind of environment you need to relax into sex.
If you’ve worked out the above (or even a teency bit of what you like) telling a partner where we like to be touched or about our fantasies can be easier said than done.
Maybe you’re shy, embarassed or just have no idea how to start. But if we’re not asking for what we want, sex might feel empty, boring or just unsatisfying. And we’re unlikely to want it in future!
Explore this section for ideas and advice on how to ask for what feels good in bed.
Men have a penis that flaps around in the breeze- they are reminded of their sexuality every time they get a hard on, shift sides, scratch an itch or readjust. This is called “bio-feedback”.
But because women don’t have this physical reminder, it’s harder for us to feel we’re fully connected to our own sexuality. And often, as Lori Brotto in her “Sex and Mindfulness” book (affiliate link) explains, our bodies may become numb to sexual arousal triggers because we’re so used to being lost in our thoughts or not used to seeing our bodies in a sexual way.
I believe this is represented by two (equally important) parts:
We’re likely caught up in the future of our lives- planning, organising, being all logical and fantastic. And we forget to just spend time being wild, free, creative, passionate- which are the ingredients required for great sex.
We might feel like we never think about sex, that desire is the bottom of our to-do list, or we never experience spontaneous thoughts about sex.
Click on this section for practical tips and advice on how you can spark your sexual imagination.
You may have never viewed your body as being capable of being desired. Or you may have closed down this understanding of yourself in response to your experiences throughout life.
If our bodies are asleep to desire, we may feel empty, numb, lacking in feeling or unable to register a sexual response. We might carry our bodies in ways that don’t seem sexual to us, or feel rigid, stuck or disconnected from places in our body where are sexuality resides- e.g. our hips, breasts, pelvis.
We might never touch ourselves, or shy away from areas that represent our sexual selves.
Click below for more information on how our body being closed down to desire can hugely impact your sex drive, and ways to reconnect to your body.